Boys have Penises, Girls have Vaginas

Since my oldest, Mia was old enough to understand, I’ve tried to teach her about good and bad health habits... especially, smoking. We talked about how bad was for your health and how it shortened your life, made you smell, etc.. Well, back when she was 4 years old,  Charlie quit smoking. I'm not sure what sparked him to give up that nasty habit.

Could it be the big deal Mia would make when she would catch Daddy smoking in the backyard?  (Charlie never smoked around the kids and never in the house. So she would actually have to catch him in the act outside on the patio..and believe me, she busted him numerous times.) Could it be the haunting phrase he would hear over and over again from his first born, “OOOhhhhhh, you’re going to get “concert”! (she meant Cancer) I am going to tell mommy on you!” Or maybe it was the way she fine tuned her little jig and skipped around him singing “You’re gonna get Cancer, you’re gonna get Cancer!” Or could it be the way she pointed her stubby little finger at him and yelled, “YOU’RE GONNE DIE!” with direct emphasis on “DIE”.  

Personally, I think it was when she started to taunt him with the word Emphysema.

When a 4 year-old cares enough to learn the word, Emphysema and what it means, it really stops you in your tracks. Telling him that he was going to have black lungs and “En-fa-seena” (as she pronounced it) might have been the final straw and helped him lay that last cancer stick to rest. After that, she resorted to taunting him about his “big belly”….it was enough to force him back into lighting up a big, fat one.

Mia has always been somewhat amazed and interested in the human body. I made sure that when she started to learn about “private parts” we would teach her the correct terminology. Penis and Vagina. These words are clinical yet interesting to a four year old who loves the way they sound. Her thirst for knowledge was astounding. Could it be we were raising a young Kurt Vonnegut or maybe a young Emily Bronte (Wuthering Heights)? We were such proud parents to have a “Baby Einstein” living beneath our roof! But my dreams of raising a child protégée had soon vanished.

What I did have on my hands was a phenomenal telephone/answering machine operator. Unbeknownst to us she had mastered the art of the record button on the answering machine. It wasn't until we had 5 messages asking us between snickers and snorts if we had listened to our outgoing message. I was scared. My palms started to sweat as I could feel the rush of blood drain from my face. I slowly leaned forward and pushed the bright, red blinking button next to the “5 messages waiting” sign. “Hi, this is Mia..” (Wheh! I sighed with relief, a cute little message) BUT…to my dismay, it wasn’t over…”we can’t get to the phone right now, leave a message. Oh yeah…boys have penises and girls have vaginas. Have a nice day!”

 “MIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!” was the last word that left my mouth before the receiver hit the carpet. 

Penis, Vagina….Vagina, Penis. Oh, she loved using them, especially in public places. 

“Mommy, ladies have vaginas, right?” 

I just nodded my head as I loaded the rest of the groceries on the conveyer belt. 

“Mommy, did you hear me?"

 I said, “LADIES HAVE VAGINAS, RIGHT?”she questioned even louder. 

I couldn’t even hear the beep of the scanner as I tried to redirect her attention. I whispered in her ear, “Yes. Ladies do have vaginas, but let’s not talk about it right now. At home you can ask me more questions.” 

She studied my face and nodded, “Ok, mommy, I won’t talk about vaginas.” 

The cashier smiled, trying to hold back her laughter and the customers in line behind us were finding the humor in this as well (Thank God). 

I rushed to slide my debit card in the machine to cut short the impromptu show she was staging when low and behold Mia tugs at my sleeve and points to the cashier..

”She probably has a big vagina.” 

I could feel the tears well up behind my eyeballs. I grabbed my receipt, my bags and my shopping cart and I never looked back Goodbye Baby Einstein….. Hello, Dr. Ruth Westhiemer.