"...You Have Such a Pretty Face..."

Today I got together with some girlfriends for lunch. The conversation quickly turned from discussing outfits to wear to the Phoenix Open to a funny bitch session about one particular phrase:

"You have such a pretty face..."

We all agreed that it was code for:

"Too-Bad-You're-a-Fat-Cow-Because-Above-the-Neck-You're-Cute-And-If-It-Wasn't-For-Your-Body-I'd-Take-You-Out".

MEN: No matter how you phrase it, it'll never come out right. It's not a compliment. Refrain from ever using this line again with any woman. Think about it this way: you wouldn't want a woman saying "Size really doesn't matter to me" after seeing you naked.

Ouch. You feel the sting?

Instead, try saying, "You're pretty". Those two simple words will suffice. You'll get farther with that. I guarantee it.

And WOMEN: stay away from anything related to size when seeing him in the buff. A few different words will suffice (feel free to combine the words at different times when necessary): "Remarkable" or "Wow" or "Oooo" will pretty much mask the disappointment.

Choose Your Words Wisely.....And that, folks, is my lesson for today!

Why do I look like the "before" pics in diet ads?

It's true.

Everytime I come across those damn diet ads in magazines or on T.V. I look at the "before" pics and think, "Geez, I could make some dough as a "before" model!"

Don't get me wrong, I don't walk around with a half shirt with my gut hanging over my jeans. I know how to hide the flab and I think I do a pretty good job at it. My tummy isn't as cute as it used to be with the battle wounds of birth (i.e. stretch marks) and the post baby fat (my kids are both 5 & 9 years old and I still consider my flab post baby fat).

It's hard not to envy those celebrities that pop out a few kids and 2 weeks later are walking along the beaches of St.Tropez in a teeny, tiny bikini. What the hell? It's just so unfair; granted, they have trainers and personal chefs that help them bounce back into shape~ but it doesn't help my esteem any! For me, 2 weeks post pregnancy, I'm still wearing my grandma maternity panties and ugly ass, breast-feeding bra with the leak pads inside.

But honestly, I take full responsibility for the shape I'm in.

Am I morbidly obese?

No.

Could I stand to lose a few pounds?

Yes.

My excuse for not exercising and eating right?

Time.

After having kids, priorities change. Your time becomes their time and the hours in your days become shorter-- there are never enough of them. And when things slow down and you do have any extra time (like around midnight)- all you want to do is sleep. Sometimes I feel like I'm on this treadmill of life without a slow down button.

But.. I keep going.

My kids are my life and well, I'm a glutton for punishment.

Maybe one day I'll have the time to work out, diet & purge a la Victoria Beckham. But until then...my gut and I will gladly apply for the position of 'before' model.

Argh- the Grocery Carts from Hell

They really thought they were making our life easier when they introduced this contraption to us.

They thought that every mom with kids under the age of ten would be thanking the Lord for the introduction of this vehicle into the shopping world.

It would be a tool to help make all mothers shopping experiences more pleasurable....

so they thought.

If you're a mother, you know exactly what I'm talking about---the grocery cart from hell...

The makeshift truck, fire engine, rocket ship, whale, police car, grocery cart for kids that holds about $5 worth of groceries.

I'll be the first to admit that initially, I thought it was a great idea. What more does a kid want than to be pushed around in a rocket ship shopping cart while mom loads it up with food and snacks?! Awesome idea, right?!

Not so much.

Here is the real deal of what goes down with these carts:

Mom drives up to the grocery store.
Kid insists on sitting in a rocket ship grocery cart.
It's a Saturday, so inventory is low on the cool carts.
Kid cries and whines.
Mom scours the parking lot looking for one to shut the kid up.
Mom finds one.
The one mom finds is blocked by 10 regular shopping carts in the cart return area and has a loud squeaky wheel.
Kid is still whining.
Mom manages to pull it out after getting bumped and bruised.
Kid whines because it's not the "right one".
Mom bribes kid with candy.
Kid accepts bribe and gets in cart.
Mom maneuvers the rocket ship with the grace of a bull in a china shop through the small aisles.
Mom barely gets past the fruit & vegetable section and kid is dragging one of his feet outside the side door as mom pushes the cart.
Mom starts to shop a little faster and gets to the dairy section.
Kid is now on top of the rocket ship
Mom pulls him off
Kid starts to whine and now insists on sitting INSIDE the cart with the rest of the groceries.
Mom refuses.
Kid whines and asks if she's almost done shopping.
Kid wants a doughnut.
Mom is frustrated because there is no where to put the 20 lb bag of dog food, 12 pack of Bounty paper towels or the Charmin 24 count package.
Kid whines about being bored and tired and that his feet hurt.
Mom picks up kid and carries him the rest of the way while pushing the rocket ship cart .
Kid is no longer piloting the rocket ship- the 20lb bag of dog food is now occupying the space.
Mom's child-induced scoliosis is aggravated by the weight of the kid on her hip.
Mom doesn't look forward to check out time.
The kid bagging the groceries shoves $179 worth of groceries into the rocket ship instead of getting a regular cart
Mom, still holding kid, tries to maneuver the rocket ship cart back to her vehicle in the parking lot
Mom is swerving left and right
Kid still doesn't want to be put down
Mom bumps and scratches the car with the rocket ship cart
Mom places kid in car seat and pushes the rocket ship cart back to the return area
Kid cries for the rocket ship cart
Mom slits wrists

Sound familiar?

The mothers of America need to band together to rid our grocery stores of these contraptions. We no longer need to be subjected to the abuse of the pimped out grocery carts!

Mothers unite.
Join the fight: Mothers Against Pimped Out Grocery Carts

And... well... until then just leave the kid at home.

Mantyhose..are you kidding me?!!

You think I'm kidding, don't you?

I came across an article on MSN today about the new trend among men....MANTYHOSE.

I thought this was joke when I read the headline. But come to find out there are men out there that utilize this piece of constricting legwear. It's touted as "... tougher, less delicate than women's pantyhose, but not as bulky as long underwear."

As I read the rest of the article it goes on to say that men want to shape, lift, sculpt and suck in their beer bellies and this contraption will do the trick. And if they aren't happy with the Mantyhose, a Mirdle (Man Girdle) is available for purchase.

Blame it on the Europeans. It all started with the men over there who've been sporting the hose for several years. The disturbing part of it all is that the Mantyhose come in a variety of different designs and colors! If my husband ever came to bed wearing a pair of purple fishnets, I'd have to revoke his "man card".

Quite honestly, I love my big guy- gut and all. Nothing is sexier than a guy comfortable in his own skin. And nothing is more unattractive than a guy that is so self-absorbed that he feels a need to wear mantyhose....(or a Speedo-- but that's an entirely different subject).

Long live the beer gut.

Long live real men.

To Mia & Sofia...

To Mia & Sofia to Read When...

You Attend Your Senior Prom

It's a magical time in your life when you get asked to your senior prom. I think every girl starts fantasizing about her senior prom as soon as she hits high school. You think about the dress, your hair, make-up, the limo, the dance, the guy. You want it be like the proms you see in movies and Seventeen magazine. You want to make memories that you'll live to tell your kids about.

I want you both to know that you are both special girls and any guy that has the honor of taking you to prom needs to be advised that your father will be waiting, with heavy artillery, if you are not returned in the condition you left in.

My senior prom was interesting. I ended up taking the guy I was dating at the time. He was alright..a typical jock. I wore a pink gown with lace gloves and matching heels and corsage. I wore my hair down but teased about an inch high. My date wore a white tux with a pink cumerbund with his hair gelled back. (Geez, it's starting to sound like the making of a bad 80's teen movie).

I didn't go in a limo. He picked me up in his mom's freshly washed Nissan Maxima and took me straight to prom. We didn't go to a nice restaurant like the rest of my friends did, he said we'd get something afterward. (Here's where it get's interesting...) We stayed until the end of prom and then he took me to Subway for a footlong sub. (No, I am not making this up) Then he mentions that he got a room at a local motel.

There I sat at a gross Subway shop in my pink prom dress with matching heels and lace gloves pondering my decision on why I took this guy to my last dance as a senior. I sat in front of my footlong seafood and crab sub with a blank stare. Is this how my senior prom date is going to end? At a dirty sub shop in San Diego at midnight? WTF?! He seriously thought that I was going to give it up after going to prom (which we didn't even dance at) and dining at Subway!

It wasn't my idea of how I wanted to finish the night. I always envisioned going to a prom after party with all my friends and hanging out 'til the wee hours of the morning toasting to our impending college life. I wanted it to be like the ending in the movie Footloose, when Kevin Bacon and the rest of the high schoolers dance the night away under all the glittery confetti raining down.

Unfortunately, it didn't end that way. I had him take me right home after the fine dining experience at Subway.

Is there a point to this story?

Yes, there is.

I want you both to enjoy your prom. I want you to have the time of your lives surrounded by all your good friends. I want you to have your dream dress and spectacular limo. I want you to take tons of pictures to capture the magic of the night. I want you to go to prom with someone who respects you and wants to be a part of giving you the time of your life.

(I don't want you to give it up to some guy who buys you a sandwich and thinks he can have his way with you.)

But most of all...respect yourself.

You're my girls and the most precious things in my life. You deserve the best and no man will ever be good enough for you in my eyes. So find someone worthy of your time and affection..


Because...You both deserve the glittery confetti...

Friendship

I've had the same best friends for 23 years.

I don't think many people can say that. It's easy finding a best friend when your a kid. You spend almost every waking hour with them and when you're not with them, you're on the phone with them. You go through heartbreaks together, graduation, college, marriage, kids...

The hard part of growing older is nuturing those friendships so that they don't become just another closed chapter in your life. We all get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of life that we forget about reaching out. With technology: texting, e-mails, myspace, facebook..there isn't any excuse why we shouldn't be in touch. But then again, it's so impersonal. It seems to take so much energy to pick up the phone and just call. Nothing is better than hearing the laughter of your best friend on the other line. But I always seem to find excuses- "I'll call when the kids are asleep"..."When I drive home from work, I'll call"....."I'll call this weekend"..."I'll call during the week"..."I'll call on Christmas.."

There really shouldn't be any excuse- living in a different state shouldn't make a difference. I want to be a better best friend to Ana and Lewie. They mean the world to me and deserve that much.

My two best friends are not only the Godmothers to my girls, but they've been there for every poignant moment in my life. No one else, besides my family, know more about me than Ana and Lewie. We've shared everything from broken hearts to broken families...asshole boyfriends to awesome husbands...weight loss to weight gain! We've shared it all!

Here's a quick stroll down memory lane:

Ana- I will always remember:

- the red leotard and red tights you wore in Mrs.Wade's dance class and how we both were total Valley Girls

- the time we hung out at a bonfire at the Bahia and got caught in the crossfire of gang warfare

- when we went to Tijuana for the first time and I got drunk on Long Island Ice Teas

- how much we laughed when your old school limo pulled up to take you to prom and your limo driver looked like Rick James

- how you'd graffiti all over the inside of your mom's car with "Ana was here"

- the times you'd tell us how you'd walk in on your mom and dad having sex

- laying out at Mission Beach in our bikinis and random dudes coming up and trying to spit game

- the "fudge smudge" you left on the blanket and the vomit/gag face it gave your ex

- the "Canada" shoes

- coming back from clubbing in Mexico and going straight home to get ready for church

- getting high with you and some random cute guys in college then going to our Reebok Step class and watching you turn green

- how your mom's car was always filled with food from the Sweetwater High cafeteria

- your dog with the over sized hemorrhoid

- the way Aldo used to tease me about my tight black and yellow "Samoan" dress

- my crush on Topo

- Tio Juevos

- your obsession with Tony and Ronnie

- that you were the one who woke up at 5am to go with me to get my ear surgery

- cruising Highland, hanging out at the Jack in the Box in the corner and then hiding me from Mike when he drove by

- posing in the MeCha pic in high school just so we'd get some extra coverage in the yearbook

- getting me to use lipliner and acrylic nails

- laughing at me when I tried to do my own acrylic nails

- our knee high boots

- how my cousin spilled water all over your new suede boots

- Nancy Nails

- Miriam

- getting free food from you when you worked in the concession area at Target

- talking shit to the hookers as we drove through Chula Vista

- that all you wanted was the best for me when you wanted me to leave the asshole ex

- going with you to get your Raiders tattoo and then ending up getting my Baby Sylvester (what the hell was I thinking?!)

- Mia going poop through her diaper as I got my other tattoo

- Seeing you in the stands at both high school & college graduation with my family and Lew and Adam Weikel

- taking you as my "date" to my 10 year high school reunion

- Being my Maid of Honor and doing all that you did for me for my wedding

- You accepting the honor of being Godmother to my babies

- that you have been there unconditionally since day 1 and have never left my side

Lew- I will always remember:

- the endow you did on your brother's bike while sporting the bleach streak in your hair

- how you pushed out the glass roof of my Honda civic and had to hold it as we drove around

- how we annoyed the hell out of Gaylord

- our DJ crew with Lulu- The LSL Crew and how we thought we were going to really DJ parties by practicing on your dad's old turntable

- how we died laughing when Lulu slipped and fell under the parked car as she went to go check the mail

- how I had to borrow your strapless bra for my sweethearts ball dress.

- when Allan had a crush on me and gave me your mother's pearl necklace

- singing freestyle songs and doing commercials with you, Ana and Lu in the jacuzzi

- how we took over the dance floor at my Uncle Zaldy's wedding

- attending your Rainbow Girls ceremonies

- watching you doing the letterette thing

- helping me with math

- how flawlessly you put on make-up

- walking with you on Sherbrooke and having to pass by Peanut's house and hear him say disgusting things

- always hanging out at Plaza Bonita on Friday nights

- your obessession with Ferdie

- seeing you in the stands at my graduation with Ana

- singing karaoke (esp. Journey songs) at your house

- walking to the Ralph's shopping strip to get flavored seltzer water

- you taking over my position at Leo Hamel when I left

- the sadness you & shared when both our parents split up

- when you were also a Maid of Honor with Ana in my wedding

-accepting the honor of being Godmother to my girls

- your delicious sinigang

- how we'd crack up discussing Lu's leopard lingerie

- your dad's brown station wagon

- your buttplug story

- that you've been there unconditionally since day 1 and have never left my side

You both mean so much to me. You've enriched my life more than you'll ever know. Thank you both for accepting me as I am, nuturing my soul, and walking with me every step of my life. I miss your laughter, I miss your hugs...but most of all, I miss you.

Here's to renewing our bond...our friendship in 2009 and planning our girl's weekend in Vegas.

I love you...truly.

A Day at the Movies...solo.

I never thought I'd do it.

But I did.

I went to a movie... alone.

Now, I've always been urged by my husband and even my mother-in-law to go take in a movie by myself; to get away and have a day to myself. But when you're a mother, you're always thinking about what needs to be done around the house, errands that need to be taken care of and the guilt of not spending any extra time you may have with your children.

For me, it's hard to relax. I am a clock watcher. I am constantly looking at my watch because there are never enough hours in the day and I have this internal schedule that I try to follow with dinner, bedtimes, baths, etc.

So, on Monday I dropped off the girls at school and decided that this was going to be MY day. I was in a pretty good mood. I drove to Starbucks got myself a grande, skinny, vanilla latte and then headed towards Borders bookstore. It wasn't quite 9am yet (the time it opened) so I sat in my car and waited for the Border's guy to open the door. I sat and sat...checked my email...texted a few friends while scanning different radio stations. I ended up leaving it on 90.3, a Christian station. A lot of spiritual, feel-good songs came on and I started to get all weepy. Geez, how pathetic must I look sitting in my car crying to all these Christian songs, texting friends while waiting for Borders to open. Ugh.

Finally, I spotted the Border's guy opening the doors and a few people started to pour in. I wiped away my tears, blew my nose and headed in. It felt so good, not to be on anybody's schedule but my own. I walked through the many shelves of books and came across a huge one: The World's Must-See Islands. I sat down and started to fantasize as I turned each page of beautiful islands from the pink sand beaches of Cat Island to the beautiful isles of Greece. I spent about an hour island hopping before I realized that I needed to head to the movie I decided to see...

The Curious Life of Benjamin Button.

Like I said before, I've never gone to a movie by myself before. This was going to be an experience. As I pulled up to the Harkins theater, I noticed that the parking lot was already filled with movie-goers...all about 40 years older than me. I grabbed my purse and headed towards the ticket counter...

"Hi..ticket for one for Benjamin Button at 11:10"

(Wheh... that wasn't so hard)

I went inside the theater, went pee and then ordered a child's popcorn combo (I'm trying to watch the fat, ok?) I head towards theater 1 and I feel like everyone in the building is looking at me. I grab a seat right in the middle and get comfortable. Wow..I like this. I don't have someone twisting and turning knocking their popcorn over asking me when the movie was going to start. I don't have another person asking me to take them to the bathroom and for an oversized Icee. I don't have to tell anyone not to kick the chair in front of them or to lower their voice.

This was freedom.

It was a three hour movie that was outstanding. It was a three hour movie that captured my attention and not once did I have to turn away from the screen to attend to someone else's needs. It was a three hour movie that wasn't interrupted by potty breaks or "I'm bored" sidenotes. It was heaven...with Brad Pitt!!

I will never go to another movie with someone else again. (Ok, the kid flicks~ I'll be at) But the Mommy movies...It's all me, baby.

Just me, myself & I. :)