LAUNDRY LOVE

They say that there are 2 absolutes in life: death and taxes. I think they forgot one more..
LAUNDRY..

When you’re single, all you have to worry about is your dirty crap. If you don’t wash, then there’s no one to blame but yourself. You end up grabbing clothes out of your hamper or off the pile on your floor, smell ‘em, then wear ‘em! Or if you’re like a few guys I know, take your underwear, turn them inside out and you’re good to go. More often than not, single people will walk to their communal laundry room in their apartment complex, quarters in hand and load the washers/dryers and if they’re feeling really brave, leave for the cycle and come back when it’s done. I’ve tried that before. Yeah, I got brave…and when I came back, all my thong underwear was missing. Scary.

Then your single life laundry quickly translates into “couple” mode when you start co-habitating with your significant other. At first, it’s weird. As you witness him attempt to do the laundry, you think to yourself, “Do I really want him touching my stuff? Is he going to throw my delicates in with his jeans? I hope he doesn’t see my “period undies”. What detergent is he using? Why is he folding my stuff like that? That top doesn’t belong in the dryer!”

But it’s not any easier when you’re the one taking on the chore: “Does he not understand what INSIDE the hamper means? Why does he throw all his shit AROUND the hamper? Why does he leave his underwear inside his jeans? Even worse, rolls his jeans off so his underwear is caught up in them?!” And just when you think you have a good system going…

The co-habitation leads to offspring…

This is when you feel like those women in Third World countries that you see on T.V. with 50 baskets of clothes, washing and banging their laundry against a rock by the side of a stream. The clothes multiply with children in the house. Not only do you find dirty clothes in the hamper, the kids throw their clean clothes in because it’s easier than putting them back in their dresser. You’ll also find toys, Barbie shoes, teacher notes, gum (my favorite..esp when it makes to the dryer), hair clips and anything else they can fit into pockets or up their nose. This is the laundry stage when the Sock Ghost appears. No matter how good your kids are at putting everything into the hamper, the Sock Ghost always manages to steal one sock from at least 3 pairs. And do you think he’d swoop down and steal the “unimportant” socks? NOOOOOOO…. He has to take the socks from their favorite pairs. You know the kind I’m talking about…the socks that they love to wear…the socks that will cause hyperventilating tantrums and heart failure if not found. I’ve almost lost a kid to two to the evilness of the Sock Ghost. There really isn’t anything you can do to exorcise the Sock Ghost (believe me, I’ve tried the Holy Water and incense..no dice). So, accept it and move on.. .it’s just easier to keep your sanity.

Along with the Sock Ghost, comes his friend the Laundry Basket from Hell. Everyone has the laundry basket(s) that become makeshift drawers for the entire family and will sit in the same location until someone (usually mom) is forced to unload it to make room for the new clean clothes. The whole family will live out of the Laundry Basket from Hell because they’re too lazy to go through their dressers or closets for clean clothes. Instead, they rummage through all the neatly folded items in the Laundry Basket from Hell to find that pink Hollister t-shirt with the white lettering on it and leave a trail of mass destruction behind.

And what happens after that?

You re-fold, then place their clothes in their bedrooms where they will sit until needed. The clothes won’t get hung (unless mom does it). The clothes won’t get placed in their dresser (unless mom does it). Instead, they will sit on the bed and then slowly become part of the comforter. Your kid won’t acknowledge that nicely folded piece of laundry. Your kid will instead slide up underneath the covers and pretend that it doesn’t exist. This stage is when you also become “bad mom”. When your kids can’t find what they are looking for and they swore they threw it in the hamper, it’s “your fault”. You and the Sock Ghost are in cahoots to make your kid’s life a living hell by hiding that Justin Bieber concert t-shirt. Bad Mom….Bad, bad mom…

At this point, all you can do is grin and bear it.

Life still goes on…the sun will still rise…the sun will still set…and there will always be dirty underwear waiting for you.

I could go on and on..but I got a date with a Sock Ghost...

Baby Mama Drama...overrated.

Wikipedia defines BABY MAMA as the following: A baby mama (also baby-mama and baby-mother) is generally defined as a mother who is not married to her child's father, although the term often is used with other meanings as well.

After recently writing about the good and bad about fatherhood, I received numerous emails requesting my insight on Baby Mamas. When you think about Baby Mama Drama the first thing that pops into your head is the three-ring circus you see on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer with screaming people and paternity tests involving the baby’s dad, his brother, and his cousin. Yes, the media capitalizes off of it because society still has a fascination with other people’s misfortunes; viewers won’t change the channel because they want to find out of Tyrone is the father of little DeShawn and then in turn watch the Baby Mama fall to the floor or run out of the room when the results aren’t what she expected.

So, I thought long and hard about this subject because every situation is unique in it’s own and there is never one solution to end all issues with Baby Mamas. There are so many factors that play into Baby Mama Drama: the daddy, the mama, the girlfriend/current wife, the baby. But I decided to take the approach from my role as a life coach to many friends and offer a different view and give my advice to the girlfriend/current wife and the Baby Mama…

BABY MAMA..
First of all…kudos. Kudos to you for taking on the role of full-time parenthood. It’s one of the toughest jobs in the world. Hopefully you co-parent with your Baby Daddy to help make your world a little easier. And if you don’t, I’m sorry. Not all men step up to the plate like you’d hope. But I believe God never gives us more than we can handle and although every day can be a struggle, know that in your heart, you are raising a child that will always remember the sacrifices you’ve made when they grow up. I know it must be hard when you see a family together and you look down at your little one and feel as though you cheated him out of having the ‘perfect’ family by raising him in a single household. But you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Kids would rather have happy parents living apart than two who are together and completely miserable.

If you have a decent relationship with your Baby Daddy, that says A LOT about your character. It shows that you both have your child’s best interest at heart. You’re showing your child that you both respect each other, regardless of what drove you two apart and are BOTH on the same team when it comes to raising him/her.

Being Baby Mama doesn’t give you a hall pass to get involved in his love life whatsoever.
It is NONE of your business.
Part of having a decent relationship with Baby Daddy is also accepting the changes in his life when it comes to his new significant other. It’s a two way street. If you’ve moved on and are dating, more than likely, he is too. Should you at least know the person your child spends time around? Of course! Should you voice concerns? Of course! But that’s where it stops. He doesn’t owe you any explanation of their relationship. All that he owes you is the promise of care, guidance, respect and communication when it comes to your child. You should be able to trust his judgment when it comes to the child that you share together. And vice versa is true when it comes to your relationship. There is a reason you both aren’t together. Move on and use that energy towards making your relationship with each other more productive as well as your relationship with your new man.

Strive to become a better mother by becoming a better woman

Think about forming a cordial relationship with Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife. I’m not asking you to become best friends and hang out on the weekends. But go out of your way to show that you are a strong, confident, secure woman that doesn’t feel threatened by her. Make her feel that she’s important because she’s involved in your child’s life. Remember, she’s probably feeling just as threatened by you, as you are of her. And if Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife doesn’t budge…oh well! You know you’ve done your part and you move on knowing you’ve tried.

Do you find yourself taking things from the past and throwing them back in Baby Daddy’s face?
Stop it.
Stop it NOW.
It’s not solving anything and always makes the situation a lot worse. Refuse to go there. As much as you want to remind him of his shortcomings, stop yourself. I’m sure there’s a crapload of shortcomings he could throw your way, so think twice before you start hurling stones out of your little glass house. As long as you keep bringing up the past, you will never be able to move forward. You will continue to empower him by holding on to such intense negativity. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Life is short, get over it.

Your child is NOT a bargaining tool
Do not threaten your Baby Daddy by refusing to let him see his child when you’re upset with him regarding other issues. Again, think about what’s in your child’s best interest. Your child is not a weapon; as disappointed as you may be in Baby Daddy, do not get swept away by anger, rage and the desire to punish him.

You both brought life into this world
You both signed up for parenthood the minute you found out you were having a baby. For once…it is NOT about you. It’s about what is in the best interest of the child you share together. Put aside your differences and think about how every word, every action that emanates from your body is absorbed into the soul of your child. No one’s perfect. But strive every day to become a better parent…with all that you’ve got, choose to fully rise above the negativity. Its black or white, not a shade of grey, because when you love your child, there is no such thing as halfway.

Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of women out there that struggle to have that decent relationship with Baby Daddy, but it’s just near impossible because of circumstances beyond their control. But continue to move forward and refuse to let anyone steal your joy.

BABY DADDY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE…
I hate to say it, but you guys are always made out to be the bad guy. And it’s not very helpful when Baby Daddy tends to ignite the situation instead of offer solutions. But let me start by saying that when you got together with your man, you knew he had a child. And by becoming involved with him, this meant also being involved in the life of his child. This is not only an honor, but a huge responsibility. You know that along with the involvement with your man and his child comes Baby Mama in the package. And this is not always such an easy thing. So let me give you a little bit of insight into the role you play:

Congratulations on taking a step into the tough world of being #2.
Yeah..#2.
As long as you understand that his child will ALWAYS be his priority, you won’t enter this relationship with unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying this will be an easy task. It takes a secure woman to know who she is and where she stands and when to back off.

Being wifey/girlfriend doesn’t give you a hall pass to get directly involved in the raising of his child whatsoever.
Don’t give unsolicited advice and don’t try to put your two cents in. If there is an issue that affects you, discuss it with him. Your feelings are just as valid. For him, it can be hard to juggle such a sensitive situation.
Just be there.
Be there when he needs to vent.
Be there when he needs your shoulder.

As hard as it may be, do not bad mouth his Baby Mama, especially in front of their child.
It’s ugly, no one benefits from it and you just make yourself look like a bigger idiot. It’s a natural tendency to say things out of spite when it comes to the woman that used to have a life with your man, but go back to what your mama taught you, if you have nothing nice to say….

Keep in mind that Baby Mama has feelings and emotions like you
Remember that she actually loved your man at one time. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you think you’re going to marry your baby's daddy but end up a single parent… imagine the bitterness that can come when you’ve seen that he’s moved on. So, no need for jealousy on your part. It's his child who he loves, regardless of his relationship with the mother.When I said it was an “honor” to be involved in your man’s life with his child, I didn’t mean that lightly. You should be proud that he chose you; that he trusts you to share in the life of his child. And part of that honor is also the responsibility and acknowledgement of his eternal connection to his Baby Mama in some way, shape or form because of their child. As much as you wish she would disappear off the face of this earth, she's not going anywhere. So accept it. If you can’t, you need to cut your losses now and move on. Remember..it is not your job to get caught up in the “drama” .

Try and be her friend
Ok, you’re reading this and saying, “WTF?!” I know, I know…you’d rather have your toenails plucked off one by one than be her friend. But quite honestly, Baby Mama needs to be reassured that you aren’t trying to replace her. Acknowledge her bond between herself, the child, and your man. It can make all the difference knowing you took the time to recognize her relationship with them and reassure her that her child will still know who their mother is. Respect her role and be proud of yours.

Whether your Baby Mama or Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife, you need to continue to respect yourself and make sure to never lose sight of what’s important, and that is the welfare of the child involved.

Be open.
Be positive.
Be accepting.

You have the greatness to persevere, to forgive, to smile, to lift yourself and others up and to move on…

Be the one who makes the difference.

(this blog dedicated to llewelyn manzano…a nice baby daddy girlfriend)

Single Dads...

Alright, I know it’s so easy for come down on deadbeat dads. There are a ton of articles on absentee fathers and what they aren’t doing, what they should be doing and the effect on their children.


But how about the single dads that ARE stepping up to the plate?

Did you know that one-fifth of single parents today are single fathers -- more than 2 million of them.

I don’t think we do enough to acknowledge the good dads. We are so quick to focus on the negative when it comes to fatherhood and what the man isn’t doing and exploit that, but when it comes to the good that a man does for his child, no one really cares.

There are A LOT of good men out there that are single fathers that take care of business, as well as men that have stepped up to the plate to be a father to children that aren’t even biologically their own. And how about the men that have taken over as mom AND dad because mom wasn’t up to task?

I have many single dad friends that I respect because of the love and responsibility they have for their children. And yes, I’ll take the time to acknowledge them: Scott Taylor, Joey Rodriguez, Jack Gordon Mills, Marlon Derraco, Daryl Stamps, David Butler, Jeff Guadarrama, Jim Simunek, Brian Carbajal, Ramses King Taylor, Oliver Ware, Kevin Ratcliff, Landy Parce,and Deonne McBean.

They are empowering men. They are men that are role models not only to their sons, but to their daughters as well. They are men that still respect their “babies mamas” regardless of the situation that broke them up in the first place. They are men that will go without so that their children will have what they need. Not only are these men there physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially…but they actively participate in their children’s’ lives -- finger paints, bike rides, playing tag in the park, throwing the football around and reading bedtime stories. And as their children grow they’ll be there to witness: their first date… prom… graduation..marriage….

Being a father… being a dad... isn’t a privilege, it’s an honor. You only get to do this gig once in this lifetime.

And~

That same little hand you held from the minute they entered this world...

will be the same one you hold when you leave it….

It’s never too late to be a good dad.

Make today count…

An Open Letter to My Cousin's Father...

An Open Letter to My Cousin’s Father:

Wait, let me retract that…An Open Letter to My Cousin’s Sperm Donor:

I used to like you. I really did. You married my aunt, who I considered my sister, because of the close proximity of our age. We had a special bond. Everything that she felt, I felt. Every sorrow, every joy that she experienced..I experienced. Every milestone in each of our lives was celebrated immediately with each other over the phone. And when she found out she was pregnant, she was nervous…but excited to bring this beautiful being made by you two into this world. I shared in this joyous news and you seemed to be equally excited…at the time.

When your son finally entered this world, everything changed. My aunt’s life no longer revolved around you. You were no longer #1. You were no longer catered to. You were no longer the center of attention. You couldn’t handle that. And although she still struggled to make you feel important and loved, it was never enough. You started to withdraw…you started to lie…and your needs became more important than your family. Even when you were around, you were still absent.

When you weren’t up to the task of being a husband and father, did it feel good to walk out the door and not look back? Did it feel good to charge up all the credit cards with purchases for your skanky girlfriend before you left? Did you just never feel good enough because your wife was an intelligent, college-educated woman? It’s funny though,your son didn’t seem to notice when you left. I guess you had to drop to your level and mess with the barely-getting-G.E.D. skank that you must’ve picked up at the local carnival…and then end up marrying her at a local Texas Chuck E. Cheese-like entertainment center before the ink on your divorce was dry.

You’ve always been one for timing, right?

You fought so hard for visitation and custody for your child during your divorce. You were such a great actor. You wanted people to think that you were doing the “right” thing; that you were looking out for your child’s best interest...but it was all a show; Academy Award worthy. In the beginning, you picked him up like clockwork (that was part of the script, right?) and then slowly but surely, the visits became far and less between. You always had an excuse for not showing up. (I hope you put “excuse-maker/liar” on your resume when you lost your job and used my aunt as a reference, she’d totally vouch for you). But my aunt knew you too well. She never told my cousin about your scheduled visits to pick him up because she knew better. She knew that you wouldn’t show. And the last thing she wanted to do was break his heart.

You know what you don’t realize? You don’t realize how much my aunt does to save face when it comes to your child. I know it’s hard for her not to call you a fucking asshole and to tell your son that you’re a loser. You know what she does? She makes excuses for you in order to save him from a world of hurt if he knew the truth. When it comes to your whereabouts, she does her best to conjure up some undeserving excuse for your absence. She knows you think he’s an inconvenience. You’d rather spend time with your step-daughter than with your own flesh and blood. You let your carnival wife dictate every move in your life which in turn affects your son. You go for months not seeing him, not calling him and then wonder why he looks at you with the warmth he would a total stranger. And when it comes to special occasions, you’re predictable. You got him the same thing for his birthday this year as you did last year..nothing. You're always asking for your child support to be cut down so that you can support your trailer park lifestyle. And even though you barely pay enough, my aunt makes it work. She sacrifices so that your son has whatever his heart desires. But, YOU are the one that’s supposed to be his hero and set the example. YOU were the one that was to provide for the family and keep him safe. That's what daddy's do. They’re supposed to be there through the good times and the bad times.

Not only did you lose your way...you lost a good woman.

But good riddance for her. God is going to bring her a MAN that steps up to the plate and treats her like a queen. This MAN will love your child and put his needs first. Your son will have a father that plays ball with him, takes him to the movies, helps him with his homework, takes him camping, plays in the park, or just sits with him and holds him. Who knows? She just might have that going on already.

You know..it's really hard for me to hold back and not print your name so that everyone knows that you're a piece of shit. But..I'm not going to use my blog to waste space and acknowledge your name that your son will forever carry. Everyone that knows me..knows of you...and that's enough for me.

Just so you know, you’re really missing out on a wonderful person. Your son is so smart and loving. He has a smile that can light up a room and at nine years of age, has an infectious personality that can capture anyone's heart. You need to thank his mom. She's raising such an amazing boy that will someday change the world.

I hope that one day, when my cousin looks back at the pictures of you holding him as a baby, he knows, that at one time..

you loved him…

and that at one time…

you would conquer the world for him…