Wikipedia defines BABY MAMA as the following: A baby mama (also baby-mama and baby-mother) is generally defined as a mother who is not married to her child's father, although the term often is used with other meanings as well.
After recently writing about the good and bad about fatherhood, I received numerous emails requesting my insight on Baby Mamas. When you think about Baby Mama Drama the first thing that pops into your head is the three-ring circus you see on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer with screaming people and paternity tests involving the baby’s dad, his brother, and his cousin. Yes, the media capitalizes off of it because society still has a fascination with other people’s misfortunes; viewers won’t change the channel because they want to find out of Tyrone is the father of little DeShawn and then in turn watch the Baby Mama fall to the floor or run out of the room when the results aren’t what she expected.
So, I thought long and hard about this subject because every situation is unique in it’s own and there is never one solution to end all issues with Baby Mamas. There are so many factors that play into Baby Mama Drama: the daddy, the mama, the girlfriend/current wife, the baby. But I decided to take the approach from my role as a life coach to many friends and offer a different view and give my advice to the girlfriend/current wife and the Baby Mama…
BABY MAMA..
First of all…kudos. Kudos to you for taking on the role of full-time parenthood. It’s one of the toughest jobs in the world. Hopefully you co-parent with your Baby Daddy to help make your world a little easier. And if you don’t, I’m sorry. Not all men step up to the plate like you’d hope. But I believe God never gives us more than we can handle and although every day can be a struggle, know that in your heart, you are raising a child that will always remember the sacrifices you’ve made when they grow up. I know it must be hard when you see a family together and you look down at your little one and feel as though you cheated him out of having the ‘perfect’ family by raising him in a single household. But you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Kids would rather have happy parents living apart than two who are together and completely miserable.
If you have a decent relationship with your Baby Daddy, that says A LOT about your character. It shows that you both have your child’s best interest at heart. You’re showing your child that you both respect each other, regardless of what drove you two apart and are BOTH on the same team when it comes to raising him/her.
Being Baby Mama doesn’t give you a hall pass to get involved in his love life whatsoever.
It is NONE of your business.
Part of having a decent relationship with Baby Daddy is also accepting the changes in his life when it comes to his new significant other. It’s a two way street. If you’ve moved on and are dating, more than likely, he is too. Should you at least know the person your child spends time around? Of course! Should you voice concerns? Of course! But that’s where it stops. He doesn’t owe you any explanation of their relationship. All that he owes you is the promise of care, guidance, respect and communication when it comes to your child. You should be able to trust his judgment when it comes to the child that you share together. And vice versa is true when it comes to your relationship. There is a reason you both aren’t together. Move on and use that energy towards making your relationship with each other more productive as well as your relationship with your new man.
Strive to become a better mother by becoming a better woman
After recently writing about the good and bad about fatherhood, I received numerous emails requesting my insight on Baby Mamas. When you think about Baby Mama Drama the first thing that pops into your head is the three-ring circus you see on Maury Povich or Jerry Springer with screaming people and paternity tests involving the baby’s dad, his brother, and his cousin. Yes, the media capitalizes off of it because society still has a fascination with other people’s misfortunes; viewers won’t change the channel because they want to find out of Tyrone is the father of little DeShawn and then in turn watch the Baby Mama fall to the floor or run out of the room when the results aren’t what she expected.
So, I thought long and hard about this subject because every situation is unique in it’s own and there is never one solution to end all issues with Baby Mamas. There are so many factors that play into Baby Mama Drama: the daddy, the mama, the girlfriend/current wife, the baby. But I decided to take the approach from my role as a life coach to many friends and offer a different view and give my advice to the girlfriend/current wife and the Baby Mama…
BABY MAMA..
First of all…kudos. Kudos to you for taking on the role of full-time parenthood. It’s one of the toughest jobs in the world. Hopefully you co-parent with your Baby Daddy to help make your world a little easier. And if you don’t, I’m sorry. Not all men step up to the plate like you’d hope. But I believe God never gives us more than we can handle and although every day can be a struggle, know that in your heart, you are raising a child that will always remember the sacrifices you’ve made when they grow up. I know it must be hard when you see a family together and you look down at your little one and feel as though you cheated him out of having the ‘perfect’ family by raising him in a single household. But you need to stop being so hard on yourself. Kids would rather have happy parents living apart than two who are together and completely miserable.
If you have a decent relationship with your Baby Daddy, that says A LOT about your character. It shows that you both have your child’s best interest at heart. You’re showing your child that you both respect each other, regardless of what drove you two apart and are BOTH on the same team when it comes to raising him/her.
Being Baby Mama doesn’t give you a hall pass to get involved in his love life whatsoever.
It is NONE of your business.
Part of having a decent relationship with Baby Daddy is also accepting the changes in his life when it comes to his new significant other. It’s a two way street. If you’ve moved on and are dating, more than likely, he is too. Should you at least know the person your child spends time around? Of course! Should you voice concerns? Of course! But that’s where it stops. He doesn’t owe you any explanation of their relationship. All that he owes you is the promise of care, guidance, respect and communication when it comes to your child. You should be able to trust his judgment when it comes to the child that you share together. And vice versa is true when it comes to your relationship. There is a reason you both aren’t together. Move on and use that energy towards making your relationship with each other more productive as well as your relationship with your new man.
Strive to become a better mother by becoming a better woman
Think about forming a cordial relationship with Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife. I’m not asking you to become best friends and hang out on the weekends. But go out of your way to show that you are a strong, confident, secure woman that doesn’t feel threatened by her. Make her feel that she’s important because she’s involved in your child’s life. Remember, she’s probably feeling just as threatened by you, as you are of her. And if Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife doesn’t budge…oh well! You know you’ve done your part and you move on knowing you’ve tried.
Do you find yourself taking things from the past and throwing them back in Baby Daddy’s face?
Stop it.
Stop it NOW.
It’s not solving anything and always makes the situation a lot worse. Refuse to go there. As much as you want to remind him of his shortcomings, stop yourself. I’m sure there’s a crapload of shortcomings he could throw your way, so think twice before you start hurling stones out of your little glass house. As long as you keep bringing up the past, you will never be able to move forward. You will continue to empower him by holding on to such intense negativity. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Life is short, get over it.
Your child is NOT a bargaining tool
Do not threaten your Baby Daddy by refusing to let him see his child when you’re upset with him regarding other issues. Again, think about what’s in your child’s best interest. Your child is not a weapon; as disappointed as you may be in Baby Daddy, do not get swept away by anger, rage and the desire to punish him.
You both brought life into this world
You both signed up for parenthood the minute you found out you were having a baby. For once…it is NOT about you. It’s about what is in the best interest of the child you share together. Put aside your differences and think about how every word, every action that emanates from your body is absorbed into the soul of your child. No one’s perfect. But strive every day to become a better parent…with all that you’ve got, choose to fully rise above the negativity. Its black or white, not a shade of grey, because when you love your child, there is no such thing as halfway.
Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of women out there that struggle to have that decent relationship with Baby Daddy, but it’s just near impossible because of circumstances beyond their control. But continue to move forward and refuse to let anyone steal your joy.
BABY DADDY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE…
I hate to say it, but you guys are always made out to be the bad guy. And it’s not very helpful when Baby Daddy tends to ignite the situation instead of offer solutions. But let me start by saying that when you got together with your man, you knew he had a child. And by becoming involved with him, this meant also being involved in the life of his child. This is not only an honor, but a huge responsibility. You know that along with the involvement with your man and his child comes Baby Mama in the package. And this is not always such an easy thing. So let me give you a little bit of insight into the role you play:
Congratulations on taking a step into the tough world of being #2.
Yeah..#2.
As long as you understand that his child will ALWAYS be his priority, you won’t enter this relationship with unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying this will be an easy task. It takes a secure woman to know who she is and where she stands and when to back off.
Being wifey/girlfriend doesn’t give you a hall pass to get directly involved in the raising of his child whatsoever.
Don’t give unsolicited advice and don’t try to put your two cents in. If there is an issue that affects you, discuss it with him. Your feelings are just as valid. For him, it can be hard to juggle such a sensitive situation.
Just be there.
Be there when he needs to vent.
Be there when he needs your shoulder.
As hard as it may be, do not bad mouth his Baby Mama, especially in front of their child.
It’s ugly, no one benefits from it and you just make yourself look like a bigger idiot. It’s a natural tendency to say things out of spite when it comes to the woman that used to have a life with your man, but go back to what your mama taught you, if you have nothing nice to say….
Keep in mind that Baby Mama has feelings and emotions like you
Remember that she actually loved your man at one time. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you think you’re going to marry your baby's daddy but end up a single parent… imagine the bitterness that can come when you’ve seen that he’s moved on. So, no need for jealousy on your part. It's his child who he loves, regardless of his relationship with the mother.When I said it was an “honor” to be involved in your man’s life with his child, I didn’t mean that lightly. You should be proud that he chose you; that he trusts you to share in the life of his child. And part of that honor is also the responsibility and acknowledgement of his eternal connection to his Baby Mama in some way, shape or form because of their child. As much as you wish she would disappear off the face of this earth, she's not going anywhere. So accept it. If you can’t, you need to cut your losses now and move on. Remember..it is not your job to get caught up in the “drama” .
Try and be her friend
Ok, you’re reading this and saying, “WTF?!” I know, I know…you’d rather have your toenails plucked off one by one than be her friend. But quite honestly, Baby Mama needs to be reassured that you aren’t trying to replace her. Acknowledge her bond between herself, the child, and your man. It can make all the difference knowing you took the time to recognize her relationship with them and reassure her that her child will still know who their mother is. Respect her role and be proud of yours.
Whether your Baby Mama or Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife, you need to continue to respect yourself and make sure to never lose sight of what’s important, and that is the welfare of the child involved.
Be open.
Be positive.
Be accepting.
You have the greatness to persevere, to forgive, to smile, to lift yourself and others up and to move on…
Be the one who makes the difference.
(this blog dedicated to llewelyn manzano…a nice baby daddy girlfriend)
Do you find yourself taking things from the past and throwing them back in Baby Daddy’s face?
Stop it.
Stop it NOW.
It’s not solving anything and always makes the situation a lot worse. Refuse to go there. As much as you want to remind him of his shortcomings, stop yourself. I’m sure there’s a crapload of shortcomings he could throw your way, so think twice before you start hurling stones out of your little glass house. As long as you keep bringing up the past, you will never be able to move forward. You will continue to empower him by holding on to such intense negativity. Forgive him. Forgive yourself. Forgiveness is such a powerful thing. Life is short, get over it.
Your child is NOT a bargaining tool
Do not threaten your Baby Daddy by refusing to let him see his child when you’re upset with him regarding other issues. Again, think about what’s in your child’s best interest. Your child is not a weapon; as disappointed as you may be in Baby Daddy, do not get swept away by anger, rage and the desire to punish him.
You both brought life into this world
You both signed up for parenthood the minute you found out you were having a baby. For once…it is NOT about you. It’s about what is in the best interest of the child you share together. Put aside your differences and think about how every word, every action that emanates from your body is absorbed into the soul of your child. No one’s perfect. But strive every day to become a better parent…with all that you’ve got, choose to fully rise above the negativity. Its black or white, not a shade of grey, because when you love your child, there is no such thing as halfway.
Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of women out there that struggle to have that decent relationship with Baby Daddy, but it’s just near impossible because of circumstances beyond their control. But continue to move forward and refuse to let anyone steal your joy.
BABY DADDY GIRLFRIEND/WIFE…
I hate to say it, but you guys are always made out to be the bad guy. And it’s not very helpful when Baby Daddy tends to ignite the situation instead of offer solutions. But let me start by saying that when you got together with your man, you knew he had a child. And by becoming involved with him, this meant also being involved in the life of his child. This is not only an honor, but a huge responsibility. You know that along with the involvement with your man and his child comes Baby Mama in the package. And this is not always such an easy thing. So let me give you a little bit of insight into the role you play:
Congratulations on taking a step into the tough world of being #2.
Yeah..#2.
As long as you understand that his child will ALWAYS be his priority, you won’t enter this relationship with unrealistic expectations. I’m not saying this will be an easy task. It takes a secure woman to know who she is and where she stands and when to back off.
Being wifey/girlfriend doesn’t give you a hall pass to get directly involved in the raising of his child whatsoever.
Don’t give unsolicited advice and don’t try to put your two cents in. If there is an issue that affects you, discuss it with him. Your feelings are just as valid. For him, it can be hard to juggle such a sensitive situation.
Just be there.
Be there when he needs to vent.
Be there when he needs your shoulder.
As hard as it may be, do not bad mouth his Baby Mama, especially in front of their child.
It’s ugly, no one benefits from it and you just make yourself look like a bigger idiot. It’s a natural tendency to say things out of spite when it comes to the woman that used to have a life with your man, but go back to what your mama taught you, if you have nothing nice to say….
Keep in mind that Baby Mama has feelings and emotions like you
Remember that she actually loved your man at one time. It’s a hard pill to swallow when you think you’re going to marry your baby's daddy but end up a single parent… imagine the bitterness that can come when you’ve seen that he’s moved on. So, no need for jealousy on your part. It's his child who he loves, regardless of his relationship with the mother.When I said it was an “honor” to be involved in your man’s life with his child, I didn’t mean that lightly. You should be proud that he chose you; that he trusts you to share in the life of his child. And part of that honor is also the responsibility and acknowledgement of his eternal connection to his Baby Mama in some way, shape or form because of their child. As much as you wish she would disappear off the face of this earth, she's not going anywhere. So accept it. If you can’t, you need to cut your losses now and move on. Remember..it is not your job to get caught up in the “drama” .
Try and be her friend
Ok, you’re reading this and saying, “WTF?!” I know, I know…you’d rather have your toenails plucked off one by one than be her friend. But quite honestly, Baby Mama needs to be reassured that you aren’t trying to replace her. Acknowledge her bond between herself, the child, and your man. It can make all the difference knowing you took the time to recognize her relationship with them and reassure her that her child will still know who their mother is. Respect her role and be proud of yours.
Whether your Baby Mama or Baby Daddy’s girlfriend/wife, you need to continue to respect yourself and make sure to never lose sight of what’s important, and that is the welfare of the child involved.
Be open.
Be positive.
Be accepting.
You have the greatness to persevere, to forgive, to smile, to lift yourself and others up and to move on…
Be the one who makes the difference.
(this blog dedicated to llewelyn manzano…a nice baby daddy girlfriend)
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