I used to use my rearview mirror to adjust my make-up, fix my hair and yes, actually look at traffic behind me. Now that I’m a mom, it’s become more than just a “mirror”. It’s been a live motion camera that captures the very essence of my existence—my children.
We’re driving home and my daughter Mia (who was 5 at the time), pipes up,
“This is taking too long!”
I look back at her and reassure her that we would be home in no time.
“I’m not talking about home,” she says, “growing up is taking too long! I am tired of being little. It’s just taking too long!”
I adjust my rearview mirror to see her sitting like a little lady next to her 1 year-old sister, Sofia. It seem like only yesterday she was in her rear-facing infant car seat gurgling away without a worry in the world. Reality hit me as I stared into her big, brown eyes from my rear view mirror. She was growing and I could actually see her maturing 5 year old face in my mirror…only 5 - not yet a “big kid” but no longer a toddler. When did that happen?! She had opinions now, she showed her emotions now and somehow I didn’t want that that to happen. I wanted to press the “slow motion” button and savor every moment of her being. I wanted to hold her little hands in mine and smell her sticky, strawberry cheeks..I wanted to savor her innocence and stunt her growth..
But in this I have no say.
She is growing and moving away from me like the waves on a beach, slowly but with unstoppable momentum. Nothing I can do will stop the waves from coming. With each lost tooth, each new word, every grade passed...another chapter in my daughter's childhood book closes forever.
I don’t want it to end.
On her 4th birthday, Mia started to ride a “Big Girl” bicycle. She decided she was done with the tricycle and spent a lot of time riding around in circles up and down the sidewalk. We spent the weekend running up and down the sidewalk right beside her, holding her by her seat as she fought for balance. Out of sheer exhaustion, I finally let her go...if she fell, she’d be ok. She had the Disney Princess helmet, gloves, knee & elbow pads to protect her. I was amazed and just a little sad, to see her ride down the block without me, not once looking back.
Her stroller, crib and high chair have been passed down to little Sofia. After she gets her use out of these items, they’ll be handed down to Goodwill and that era in our lives will be over. These items rendered obsolete overnight…reminders of how quickly babies grow to children and children grow to teenagers and teenagers leave home.
The day she learned to say “Mom” instead of “mah” nearly broke my heart.
I try not to be too sentimental about these things. Spring turns to Summer, kids grow up.
Believe me, the day I changed my final diaper went down as one of the most unequivocally happiest of my life. What can I say? Some stages are easier to let go than others. You can imagine how broken up I was when Mia stopped asking for Barney. (I kept Sofia away from PBS)
Honestly, i can't wait until she gives me one of those "Harvard Parent" car stickers or "I'm broke. My kid's at Princeton" stick-on.
And yet.
Parents are meant to prepare their children for the outside world, to make them strong and independent. So why am I feeling left out because she doesn’t need me to dress her anymore? Or help her wipe her butt after using the toilet?
I look back into my rearview mirror and answer her...
“If you grew up too fast, mommy would be sad because we wouldn’t be able to enjoy all the fun things you can do as a little girl.” Somehow my answer seemed to suffice because she didn’t say a word. (Either that or she was just too pissed off that the drive was taking forever.)
I kept driving and once again I look back and re-adjust my rearview mirror to glance at my firstborn and look back at my toddler. I dread the day when that backseat will be empty. No empty juice boxes or Cheerios lying on the floor. No baby bottles or strollers. All the half-naked Barbies and storybooks will have disappeared like the sticky fingerprint smudges on the glass windows.
And I’m going to keep on adjusting my rearview mirror until that day comes…
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