Walking through Toys r’ Us the other day was an overwhelming experience. I was shopping around for Mia’s birthday present and astonished at all the types of Barbies they carried! A whole aisle dedicated to EVERY type of Barbie: Rapunzel Barbie, My Scene Barbie, Diva Starz Barbie, Swan Princess Barbie, Ethnic Barbie, Happy Birthday Barbie (tiara included), All That Glitters Diva Barbie, Barbie Fairytopia, Princess of Cambodia Barbie, and my favorite, Pregnant Midge Barbie! She had a removable tummy with a tiny baby inside. So, after giving birth she could bounce back to that PERFECT 39-23-33 size body. Geez.. if it were really that easy. What a crock! As I sauntered down the aisle mesmerized by the beautiful dolls in amazing gowns, I came across the Bratz dolls, a.k.a slut dolls. Meet Yasmin, Chloe, Jade and Sasha. They live their everyday, sugary sweet life through lazy, heavy-lidded eyes spackled with spangly, dark, glittery, make-up. Their Daisy Duke, booty-shorts barely skim their pert little bottoms; their faux fur coats and halter tops are the hottest thing in trash couture. All that’s missing from the Bratz section is the Ice-T pimp doll (handgun and toy limousine not included). It’s amazing these creatures earned more than $3.4 billion last year.
I start to think twice about getting her more Barbies. Her room is a Barbie breeding ground She has over three dozen of them at home and all of them are butt naked in some way, shape or form. Take for instance Veterinarian Barbie, she came with black pants, a red half-shirt, stethoscope and a long white lab coat. She now hangs out with nothing but the lab coat and stethoscope. Yes…just the lab coat and accessory. Or how about Swan Princess Barbie? She came with a lovely pink satin gown, lace petticoat, tiara and swan. As we speak she’s hanging out on top of the Barbie Volkswagen with nothing on but the tiara and the swan by her side. This behavior is not just limited to the women of the Barbie family, it also affects Ken and all his male counterparts: Swan Prince Ken and Firefighter Ken. Both guys are in their birthday suits with the exception of their shoes- Prince Ken with his fine, leather penny loafers and Firefighter Ken with one black, flame-retardant boot. They both flock around butt-naked Swan Princess Barbie and her bird in the Volkswagen. (Oh, did I mention that Firefighter Ken had one of Glitter Diva Barbie’s stilettos on the other foot?) Across from the pre-orgy doll scene was Aladdin (a.k.a. Prince Ali) with his broken arm taped to his side, butt naked wearing his turban while Princess Jasmine served him plastic apples… in the nude. I was beginning to think that my child was demented. What would possess my beautiful little four year old to create a Mattel make-shift nudist camp amongst all these innocent, plastic faces with ambiguous genitalia?
I had to confront her. I walked outside where she was so innocently drawing cute “chalk” people on the driveway. Her long brown hair was pushed back in a red plastic headband. She was wearing her Spongebob t-shirt with matching shorts and she had the sniffles. “Mia, can I ask you a question?” She nodded without looking up. “Why are all your Barbies naked?” My voice started to quiver and I could feel beads of sweat start to form on my forehead.
Would she give me an answer that would force me to drive her to the nearest therapist? Maybe I could get a discount on some shock therapy.
She looked up at me with those big brown eyes and replied,
“ ‘Cuz their hot.”
And then she went back to her chalk drawing. I could feel the color seep back into my face and sweat quickly evaporate.
So, she wasn’t a miniature perv after all!! They were just hot! She was just overly concerned with how comfortable her plastic friends were!
I knelt down and kissed her on her forehead.
“What’s that for, mommy?” I looked down at her.
“It’s because you’re you….”
And I walked back into the house and placed Aladdin into the Volkswagen to join the other two Kens cater to Swan Barbie…
(What? A girl can dream, right??) J
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