20 Things I've Learned

The 20 Things I’ve learned as A Mother (so far)…

I’m going on 9 years of motherhood and I have to say that I’ve learned a lot so. Here are 20 of my favorite!

I’ve learned:

1. That no matter how many freakin’ toys you take with you on the airplane, it will never bee enough to satisfy your squirmy 2 year-old.
2. That even if you do wake up two hours early to get “pretty” for work, you still leave the house a sweaty mess with a stain or two on your blouse after a morning with the kids.  
3. That no matter how much your 7-year-old daughter tells you she likes the shoes you bought her; she will find a problem with them the day she has to wear them. And if it’s not the shoe, it’s the sock.
4. To expect your child to sleep soundly all the way up until you want to get romantic at 3:31am with your husband. At that point they are either standing at the side of your bed or whining in theirs.
5. That if there is anyone that can be honest about what you are wearing, ask your child. They will not only inform you about how good/bad you look, but will inquire about the jiggly-ness of your thighs and butt.
6. That no matter how long you’ve been a mother, boogers and barf will still nauseate you.
7. That you will forever call chicken strips, “Chicken McNuggets”. I call them McNuggets when I drive through Burger King and it seems to annoy the hell out of the drive-thru gal.
8. That whenever you ask your children what they want to eat, it’s always two things: I don’t know or Chicken McNuggets.
9. That they will always need to use the potty and have their butt wiped when you are in the middle of dinner.
10. That whatever restaurant you dine at, your youngest will need to check out the restroom as soon as you sit down.
11. That when you ask your 1^st grader if they have any homework the answer will always be “No” until the following morning when you are getting into the car and then they remarkably remember the crushed up math sheet in their backpack.
12. That when you pick up your kids from school and ask them what they did that day the answer will always be, “Nothing”. If they feel like volunteering any information it will be when you least expect it.
13. That your kids could be model children all day along but as soon as you pick up that phone to make a call, it will trigger fights, whining and unnecessary needs.
14. That your kids will feed your dog anything and everything he will open his mouth to. (Including floss…and that’s not a pretty sight to see mommy reeling out the floss from Sammy’s butt flower.)
15. That the only evidence you have of the dog stealing the kids’ crayons is from the Technicolored-poop packages left in the yard.
16. That whatever you discuss at home will inevitably find it’s way back to your child’s class. My daughter’s 1^st grade teacher and I have an agreement. She believes only 50% of what she brings to the classroom and I believe on 50% of what she brings home.
17. That by 10 years of age, your kids will accumulate enough stuffed animals to donate to all the children in China.
18. That there will be a phase in your preschooler’s life when they will be paralyzed from the waist down. They will be unable to walk anywhere. They will need you to “CARRY” them everywhere. It’s the “Carry-Me-Until-You-Get-A-Hernia” syndrome. Don’t worry it slowly goes away when there’s a toy store or pet shop nearby.
19. That no matter how cute I do my daughter’s long hair in the morning, by the time I pick her up from school, she looks like a Janis Joplin reject or Cousin It.
20. That no matter what kind of day I’ve had at work, my day always ends on a positive note when I see Sofia’s sticky face and Mia’s crazy hair.