Divorce Sucks

Divorce sucks.

There are no two ways about it.

Five years ago, January, my parent’s divorce became final. They had already been separated for seven years before they officially called it quits. And you would think that it would've been an easy pill to swallow since it had been so long and drawn out. Unfortunately, it wasn't.  After 34 years of marriage, how can a couple fall out of love? How can they call it quits? All the memories, time and feelings invested thrown out the door?Being an adult and experiencing my parent's divorce was heart-wrenching. I can't even begin to imagine what divorce is like through a child’s eyes.  

 

I grew up in a very loving household. I was a military brat and my mother stayed home with me and my brother until we were both a few years into elementary school. She was the epitome of the “perfect mom”. She was a college-educated woman who baked cupcakes, drove us to ballet and baseball practice, sewed my Brownie patches on my uniform, read books to us, coached our bowling team, was  “room mother”, she cooked, cleaned, sold Avon and World Book Encyclopedias in her spare time. She never missed a field trip and was always there whenever we needed a hug or a Band-Aid. She was a modern day June Cleaver with a touch of Carol Brady. We had the “perfect” family…  and that is why I resented her as much as I did when she left my father. 

 

My father was also a very loving, funny man who loved my mother very much and would do anything in the world for her. Yet, they both had such different personalities. My mother was outgoing and spontaneous. My father, a homebody and a planner.  He loved to work on the house, keep the yard manicured, and the house spotless.  I think the anal retentiveness really wore on my mother and after 34 years she had enough.

 

My parents gave me and my brother everything. We never wanted for anything.  We always had the latest toys, clothes, shoes and we each received cars when we passed our driver’s test and new cars after graduation. But the one thing they no longer had the ability to do was to spoil me with their "togetherness".  Don’t get me wrong, I have come to better understand my mother and the choices she made and I have to say that a large part of that stems from being a mother and wife myself. I understand that you do everything in your power to keep your family happy and healthy. I understand that your needs become secondary to your children and your husband. I understand that a good mother will pass up the pair of shoes she fell in love with at Nordstrom’s if it means providing more for her children. I understand the sacrifices and I understand the unconditional love. Unfortunately, my mother was giving and giving- trying to maintain the image of the “perfect mom”- unconsciously neglecting her own needs and it was slowly chipping away at her spirit until there wasn’t any of “her” left.

 

To this day, it’s still hard for me to look at pictures of me when I was younger during happier times with my parents. I look at my little six year old face in those portraits and see this happy child, not knowing that in 24 years her parents will no longer be taking pictures together….that there will no longer be family get-togethers or Halloween pumpkin carving contests in the kitchen. It’s taken some real soul searching and prayer to come to grips with my parent’s divorce. I’ve come to accept that the world does not stop for my grief, no matter how heart broken I am. Even as I type this, I still get choked up because there is that little place in my heart that hopes they’ll find their way back to each other one day.

 

I think this is what keeps me so committed in making my marriage work. I would never, ever wish this type of emotional anguish on anyone. Although my parents are friends and my relationship with both of them is tighter than it will ever be…divorce is a heart-wrenching, roller coaster ride. Marriage in itself is an astounding journey. Like most marriages, mine isn’t perfect. We both have our faults, but we balance each other out. I think the key to the success of our marriage is that we “agree to disagree”.  If anything, I’ve learned how much the human soul and spirit can endure. I’ve learned that we need to nurture our inner selves if we are going to be happy, productive parents, sisters, brothers, wives, husbands. It’s the proverbial oxygen mask that drops from the airplane ceiling. You need to breathe and make sure you’re ok before you can make sure that everyone else is. My children and my husband are my life, my heart and my soul.

Even if I had nothing more to give, I’d find the strength within myself to answer their cries for help.  

 

In all my triumphs- in every good and great thing that has happened to me- they have always been there for me &  I know that I will always be there for them…