Call me self- conscious.
Maybe a tad neurotic at times.
But if there is one thing that bothers me most, it's the men you come across at red lights.
You know what I'm talking about. You're driving, minding your own business and you come to a red light. And out the corner of your eye, you see another car pull up next to you. You continue to keep looking straight to avoid any eye contact with the car next to you..but then you do it. You sneak a peek and the dude is staring straight at you. You turn around quickly to play it off by either grabbing your cell phone to check messages or focus on your radio trying to act like your fumbling with the stations.
You can feel him undressing you with his eyes.
You slowly look down to make sure you're covered up. The last thing you need is any kind of extra boobage hangin' out of your bra.
The red light seems to be taking an eternity to turn green. As soon as the light switches you press on the gas and the car next to you manages to keep up with you so that the perv inside can keep staring.
There are a variety of men that you meet at a red light. And they run the gammet from professionals to scum bags. Let's take a look at a few that we're all familiar with:
The Landscapers
The landscapers will usually roll up 10 deep~ 5 smooshed together in the front cab of the truck and the rest hanging out the bed. At first they stare, and if that isn't enough to make you turn around, the whistles, kissing noises and "mamacita" cat calls usually do the trick. They like to pull up and get in front of you once the light turns green so that the rest of their crew in the bed of the truck can stare straight at you as you drive behind them.
Maybe a tad neurotic at times.
But if there is one thing that bothers me most, it's the men you come across at red lights.
You know what I'm talking about. You're driving, minding your own business and you come to a red light. And out the corner of your eye, you see another car pull up next to you. You continue to keep looking straight to avoid any eye contact with the car next to you..but then you do it. You sneak a peek and the dude is staring straight at you. You turn around quickly to play it off by either grabbing your cell phone to check messages or focus on your radio trying to act like your fumbling with the stations.
You can feel him undressing you with his eyes.
You slowly look down to make sure you're covered up. The last thing you need is any kind of extra boobage hangin' out of your bra.
The red light seems to be taking an eternity to turn green. As soon as the light switches you press on the gas and the car next to you manages to keep up with you so that the perv inside can keep staring.
There are a variety of men that you meet at a red light. And they run the gammet from professionals to scum bags. Let's take a look at a few that we're all familiar with:
The Landscapers
The landscapers will usually roll up 10 deep~ 5 smooshed together in the front cab of the truck and the rest hanging out the bed. At first they stare, and if that isn't enough to make you turn around, the whistles, kissing noises and "mamacita" cat calls usually do the trick. They like to pull up and get in front of you once the light turns green so that the rest of their crew in the bed of the truck can stare straight at you as you drive behind them.
License Plate: LUVSBUSH
The Dad
The Dad will pull up alongside you in his old Astro van or Hyundai circa 1988. The windshield has a crack in it with dirty sippy cups on the dashboard and the side windows are marked with handprints. He'll usually have a couple car seats in the back (with the kids actually in them if you're lucky) with a swing set latched on top of the car. The dad will typically have a "laid back" type of pose as he sits at the steering wheel and tries to grab your attention. He'll smile and nod like "Yeah, baby..I know you want a piece of this..." When the light turns green he pushes down on the gas so that he stays up with you side by side to increase the burning desire within you to join him in his sin wagon.
The Dad
The Dad will pull up alongside you in his old Astro van or Hyundai circa 1988. The windshield has a crack in it with dirty sippy cups on the dashboard and the side windows are marked with handprints. He'll usually have a couple car seats in the back (with the kids actually in them if you're lucky) with a swing set latched on top of the car. The dad will typically have a "laid back" type of pose as he sits at the steering wheel and tries to grab your attention. He'll smile and nod like "Yeah, baby..I know you want a piece of this..." When the light turns green he pushes down on the gas so that he stays up with you side by side to increase the burning desire within you to join him in his sin wagon.
License Plate: 4SKIN
The Boys
The Boys that you'll encounter at the red light usually fall in the 16-20 year old demographic. If they aren't driving mom or dad's car with their friends, they 're in a late model car with rims and a booming system so loud, it'll make your ears bleed. When The Boys try and get your attention, it's always just to show off in front of their homies. They'll try and spit game using lines like "Wassup' baby? What's your name? You gotta man?" And when you continue to ignore them, they'll flip you off and call you a stuck-up whore as the light turns green and they take off. License Plate: BONGHITZ
Mr.Corporate
Mr.Corporate will pull up to the red light with anything red and European (BMW, Audi, Mercedes). It's always an added bonus when it's 120 degrees in the Arizona heat and he has his convertible top down so that you can notice his spray-on tan as he talks loudly on his phone and tinkers with his Blackberry and two-tone Rolex. He does eveything he can to nonchalantly capture your attention. He wants you to want him. He runs his fingers through his hair as he screeches off at green light.
The Boys that you'll encounter at the red light usually fall in the 16-20 year old demographic. If they aren't driving mom or dad's car with their friends, they 're in a late model car with rims and a booming system so loud, it'll make your ears bleed. When The Boys try and get your attention, it's always just to show off in front of their homies. They'll try and spit game using lines like "Wassup' baby? What's your name? You gotta man?" And when you continue to ignore them, they'll flip you off and call you a stuck-up whore as the light turns green and they take off. License Plate: BONGHITZ
Mr.Corporate
Mr.Corporate will pull up to the red light with anything red and European (BMW, Audi, Mercedes). It's always an added bonus when it's 120 degrees in the Arizona heat and he has his convertible top down so that you can notice his spray-on tan as he talks loudly on his phone and tinkers with his Blackberry and two-tone Rolex. He does eveything he can to nonchalantly capture your attention. He wants you to want him. He runs his fingers through his hair as he screeches off at green light.
License Plate: GR8-LAY
The Perv
The Perv is a passive agressive perv as he drives up to the red light. If he's not driving a pick-up, he's in an older Yugo with the metal "naked women" silhouttes hanging from his mudflaps and a huge sticker on his back window that reads "Official Bikini Inspector" with the Peeing Calvin sticker in the far corner. The Perv, overweight- wearing his mesh half shirt, will look over at you and raise his eyebrows and pucker his lips. He'll keep his eyes fixated on you as he turns his 2 Live Crew "Me So Horny" cd up loud enough for everyone in passing cars to hear. He'll throw up the "V" sign with his fingers and wave his tongue through it. As the light turns green, he makes the cheeseball "double gun" motion towards you as he drives off.
The Perv
The Perv is a passive agressive perv as he drives up to the red light. If he's not driving a pick-up, he's in an older Yugo with the metal "naked women" silhouttes hanging from his mudflaps and a huge sticker on his back window that reads "Official Bikini Inspector" with the Peeing Calvin sticker in the far corner. The Perv, overweight- wearing his mesh half shirt, will look over at you and raise his eyebrows and pucker his lips. He'll keep his eyes fixated on you as he turns his 2 Live Crew "Me So Horny" cd up loud enough for everyone in passing cars to hear. He'll throw up the "V" sign with his fingers and wave his tongue through it. As the light turns green, he makes the cheeseball "double gun" motion towards you as he drives off.
License plate: BVR PLZR
Notice that these are usually the type of men that you'll encounter at the red light who need attention. It will never be a Brad Pitt or George Clooney look-a-like tht pulls up alongside you to whisk you away.
But don't let that steal your joy.
Keep looking forward and proceed with caution.
Notice that these are usually the type of men that you'll encounter at the red light who need attention. It will never be a Brad Pitt or George Clooney look-a-like tht pulls up alongside you to whisk you away.
But don't let that steal your joy.
Keep looking forward and proceed with caution.
There will always be red lights and mystery men.
Be flattered and thank God that you still attract that type of attention....BVR PLZR or not.
1 comment:
omg, i was directed to your blog by serch on myspace and so glad i was, this is hilarious!!!!!!
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