Why No Christmas Picture Cards?

Ahhh... don't you love 'em? The good ol' Christmas picture cards that you get in the mail during the holidays. You know the ones I'm talking about-- the one with the whole family gathered together in matching holiday sweaters in front of a mock fireplace with the family pet. It's even better when they send along a family letter about all the achievements of little Tad or Morgan...

"...while managing to maintain his 4.2 grade average, Tad is excelling in soccer, football, baseball, band and water polo. His early acceptance into Yale as the youngest genius in history is quite incredible....."

"...Morgan graduated Phi Beta Kappa from Princeton and will travel to Slovenia in the summer where she will continue her Christian mission work..."

If you're a holiday family letter writer..more power to you. It's just hard not to sound like you're gloating when writing those things- as if there isn't a touch of any dysfunction. As proud as I am of my children, I choose not to throw it (via holiday letter) in other people's faces. I just think about the families I know that are going through different issues with their kids and know that the last thing they want to read about is how my kids are kicking ass in everything they do. 

And the picture cards...

My picture cards usually consist of Mia and Sofia (and sometimes I'll throw in an animal or two for good measure). But they never include me. 

Why, you may ask?

Well..here's the condensed version:

I'm not as "svelte" as I used to be and I'm pretty self conscious about it. And when people send me their Christmas picture cards and I've noticed some of their weight gain, I'm the first one to bring attention to it.  I'm just being honest. So..I choose not to send any cards out with me in it. 

It's just a matter of fact.

And if you can sit there and tell me that you don't do that when you receive holiday cards, you're full of crap.

You know that when you get that Christmas picture card in the mail with all the fun holiday stickers on the envelope and open it to the pic of Tom with his arms wrapped around morbidly obese Nancy with her Christmas sweater and holiday light earrings with their offspring gleefully posing in their reindeer print turtlenecks next to the Christmas tree..........you talk shit. 

Don't lie. It starts with a closer glance of the pic to make sure it's the same people you know, then it's a snicker then you call everyone in the household to come check out the pic and see how big Nancy got. Then it's a phone call to everyone that you know that knows her.

Such is life.

And THAT, my friends,  is why, you will never receive a Christmas picture card with ME in it.

Happy Holidays!