An Open Letter to My Parents on my Birthday...

39 years ago on August 31st, you brought me into this world...and on this day, when I'm the one receiving all the hugs and happy birthdays, I wanted to take the time to acknowledge you both and say thank you...thank you for my life.

I've learned a lot and have seen a lot in the past 39 years that has forced me to recognize how blessed I am to have such wonderful parents who gave me such a happy childhood

From the day I was born you've always been overprotective. I never had a smudge of dirt on me, my hair was always fixed, my clothes were always ironed and you'd carry me so I wouldn't scuff my shoes. Even though dad was gone a lot overseas, you mom, made sure you played both roles when necessary.

Mom, I remember the first day of 1st grade, how tightly you hugged me outside my classroom while I had tears in my eyes. And even though I was reluctant to step inside my new surroundings, the warmth of your smile and the security of your hug was enough to give me the confidence I needed to get through my first day. You never failed to leave an impression. I will always remember the late nights that you would stay up and make cupcakes for my class and hand decorate each cupcake with different roses with your special butter cream frosting. And as I grew older and more of a pain in the butt, we bumped heads a lot because I thought I knew everything. I was always pissed off that I had a 12midnight curfew...even in college. But you did give me a choice: stay in the house & go to college & not pay for anything or move out, get a job and support myself. Obviously I chose to stay and suffer the curfew rule. You were education oriented and could never stress enough how being educated was the most important thing I could ever do for myself. I've never been a kid to disobey, break the rules or push the envelope. I think the most hurtful thing I could ever do would be to disappoint you...and that was enough to keep me on the right track.

Dad..we've always had the closeness that many kids wish they had. You always brought laughter and music into the house. If it wasn't for you, I would've never learned all the lyrics to The Sugarhill Gang's Rappers Delight. I still remember the vinyl record sitting next to your record player and how often we'd listen and dance to it. And when it came to Freddy Fender or Little Joe y La Familia playing, I was quick to jump on your shoes and hug your waist and dance with you while you lifted your feet to the music. I could never do wrong in your eyes, dad. And when I made mistakes in life, you were always there to pick me back up with your reassurance and love. In a world where there aren't a lot of girls with fathers in their lives, thank you for being such a strong, positive role model. I'm know you are the reason why I have zero tolerance for idiot men. Pat yourself on the back for raising a woman who doesn't take shit...and who is raising her own daughters to be the same way.

Even though you both lead separate lives now, remember always, that you BOTH raised an amazing girl..who is so thankful for such a wonderful childhood and amazing life you've given her. Not a day goes by that she doesn't thank God for you both.

Every year, you always ask what i want for my birthday.
But you've given me more than I could ever ask for...

you gave me the gift of life...

*I love you*

67 Life Tips I'll Pass Along to My Kids (Part 1)

1. Whenever you have a bad cough/cold, slather your feet with Vicks and wear warm socks to bed. It will suppress your cough overnight

2. If you have problems with your thick thighs chaffing because of the summer heat, rub some of your deodorant on each inner thigh. Because of the barrier the deodorant creates, you won’t have to worry about any rash

3. Spend money on good feminine products. Buying generic tampons is just inviting trouble and leaks

4. If a guy doesn’t call you/text you back right away..it’s not because he’s not thinking of you, it’s because that’s what guys do and he’s probably right in the middle of something

5. Crock pots rock. Invest in one. There is nothing like coming home to the wonderful aroma of a pot roast ready to eat once you walk in the door after a long day

6. Don’t be afraid to watch a movie by yourself. It’s very liberating to walk into a theater by yourself and totally immerse yourself into the storyline on the screen without any interruptions

7. Eat by yourself. Whenever the opportunity arises, don’t be self-conscious..and dine by yourself. Nothing screams “self-confidence” like a woman dining by herself

8. Smile at everyone you encounter. Every person that comes in and out of your life every day was meant to be there at that given moment. Your smile says a thousand words.

9. Laugh out loud. Who cares if someone thinks you’re obnoxious. There are people out there that would kill to have something to laugh out loud about

10. Appreciate your body. We all have a love/hate relationship with our bodies. But do what you can to be healthy and good to yourself. It doesn’t mean being anorexic, it means loving yourself enough to make healthy decisions about your lifestyle.

11. Don’t smoke. A no-brainer, right?

12. When you wake up every day, before your feet hit the floor..thank God for blessing you with another day

13. Educate yourself. An educated woman is a strong woman. An educated woman is open to many more opportunities. An educated woman has more options.

14. Never let a man raise his hand to you. If he did it once, he’ll do it again. Leave.

15. Never let the hand you hold, hold you down. Do not stay with a man that doesn’t uplift you. Jealousy and envy come from guilty men. Be with a man who makes you want to be a better woman

16. There is a fine line between sexy & slutty. If the world can see your nipples through your top and your coochie when you sit down…change

17. Real friends will tell you to change if they think your outfit is not flattering. Real friends will not let you leave the house looking like a homeless skank

18. Your best friend(s) will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear

19. Life isn’t fair. But it’s up to you to choose how you will react in every situation. Your reaction will determine the outcome every time

20. Don’t date married men. If they were really unhappy, they’d be single.

21. When you can, turn the music up in the car and sing along loudly. It helps if it’s a rap song with bad lyrics

22. Eat cupcakes. Nothing makes me smile more than a cupcake with sprinkles

23. Travel alone if given the chance. Taking a road trip or flying solo can do wonders for your self-confidence.

24. Always say “Thank You” when someone compliments you. Even if it’s the perv at the gas station…

25. Dance with an ugly dude. When a “grenade”(aka ugly dude) asks you to dance when you’re at a club, accept the offer. It shows that you aren’t shallow and just want to have a good time

26. Acknowledge other women. If you see a woman dressed nice, great haircut, amazing shoes, etc., let her know. There is too much negativity amongst us women. We need to stop hating and start congratulating

27. When you’re about to sleep with a guy and you think he’s going to notice all the flaws on your naked body that you “think” you have…think again, guys don’t notice that stuff at that point. All they know is that they have a beautiful naked woman in front of them.

28. Protect yourself. Take the lead when it comes to birth control and protection. Never depend on a guy to handle it. Your life depends on it

29. Wax. Nothing more unappealing than a woman with a huge Chaka-Zulu bush between her legs

30. Never drink more than 3 Long Island Ice Teas in one sitting if you want to avoid being carried out of a nightclub in Tijuana

31. Drink a glass of water after each Tequila shot

32. It’s never a good idea to “try” weed right before a high intensity cardio workout at your college

33. Learn to walk in stilettos and spend money on quality shoes. Flats are made for weekends at home and do NOTHING for you

34. Always have a cute black dress in your closet. If all else fails, that is an item you can always rely on

35. Always have clean fingernails/toenails. People can tell a lot about you by the way you keep your fingers and toes up

36. Brush AND floss daily. No one likes a yuck mouth

37. Never believe a guy when he says “Just the tip..”

38. Take care of your car. Never let it go below a ¼ of a tank (so bad for the engine)

39. Let your date pick up the tab; don’t feel like you always have to be a feminist

40. Enjoy a weekend on the couch with your sweats watching the Lifetime channel with all the cheesy made for tv movies

41. Surround yourself with positive people. Negative people are a cancer and can steal your joy continuously

42. Alone does not mean lonely

43. Own a pet. At the end of the day, if there is anyone that loves you unconditionally (besides me)..it’s your dog

44. Nothing works like exercise and a well balanced diet. Save your money and don’t spend it on fad diets

45. Vitamin E oil heals every skin ailment

46. When you have poop cramps, do not attempt to fart. You WILL shit your pants

47. Never park next to a van in the parking lot and always act like you’re a bad ass when you are walking out of the store to your car. Be aware of your surroundings and lock your car as soon as you get in. Don’t be a victim

48. Volunteer at a food bank. It really puts things in perspective when it comes to your life issues

49. Remind yourself that you don’t have bad days; you have inconvenient ones. The parents of a child with stage 4 cancer…. that’s a bad day

50. Think twice about your road rage when someone pisses you off on the freeway. That person that cut you off could’ve just received bad news. Take a breath and let it go

51. Never kick a boy in the nuts

52. Ride a rollercoaster

53. Refuse to feel guilty when you want time to yourself. It’s hard when you’re a mom, but you need to take care of YOU if you’re gonna take care of THEM

54. Lunges and squats WILL change the look of your butt

55. Learn to swim

56. Don’t go to bed mad. Leave all your frustrations behind before closing your eyes

57. Don’t bring up things from the past; look ahead. There is a reason why the windshield in your car is so big and the rearview mirror is so small. The past is not as significant as the present or the future

58. Don’t burn bridges—life has a funny way of “recycling” people back into your life

59. It’s not true about the size of a man’s feet

60. Use flushable wet wipes instead of regular toilet paper

61. Pluck your eyebrows (don’t overpluck). It will change the look of your face

62. Take lots of pics…capture every moment in life you can

63. Go to a concert and dance in your seat

64. Buy colors and a coloring book and when you’re stressed, start coloring. It does wonders

65. Always remind your best friends how important they are

66. Send a card to your parents on your birthday thanking them for life

67. Listen to your heart..it’s God whispering

You Dirty Girl!

Pet Peeve #76
Unsanitary Women

Nothing I hate more than public restrooms.
What’s even worse is walking into a ladies restroom and seeing how filthy women can be.
There are some women out there that have NO SHAME.
I’ve been witness to many things in the powder room and it ain’t pretty! Let me share a few of my favorite bathroom characters:

The Faux Washer- She is the one who comes out of the stall, sets her purse down and looks in the mirror pretends to fuss with her hair for a few minutes in front of the sink, but doesn’t ever wash her hands. She leaves like she’s in a hurry and smells her hands on the way out.

The Bloody Valentine- She is the chick that leaves her bloody tampon floating in the toilet. She doesn’t check to see if it was ever flushed completely down the pipe. She could care less for the next person that sees the aftermath of her bloody outpour. This character trait is not limited to just the teen factor. There are many grown ass women that can’t handle their red tide. Check yourself.

The Gangsta- She is quick to do a drive-by shit. She comes in with the quickness, doesn’t care who’s around and drops the biggest doo-doo ever and leaves.

The Queefer- She is the chick that comes in and lets out vaginal farts as she pees. If you look under the stall, she’s probably wearing some ugly ass Birkenstocks or Velcro, leather sandals. She’ll wait ‘til everyone is out of the restroom to make her exit.

The Pad Thai- The chick that still uses pads and doesn’t care to wrap the used ones up, but rips it from her panties and just throws it half-way into the miniature trashcan. It sticks out half way so that you have a nice visual of her blood clots and shit marks.

The Cougher- She is the one that comes in to take a dump and coughs to mask the splash of her shit hitting the water, or to cover the sound of her wiping her muddy ass.

The Talker- She is the chick that can’t put her phone down while she’s using the restroom. She is the one in the stall that is talking/cussing loud enough for everyone to hear about her baby daddy sleeping with her girl, LaQueefa .

The Sprinkler- This is the one that leaves pee-pee drips all over the toilet seat. You can’t seem to figure out how that happens if one wipes their vagina properly. But then again, we’re talking about dirty women.

The Flusher- The Flusher is the girl who comes in to take a crap and flushes right before it hits the water..and will continually flush to avoid the embarrassment and the smell (NOT to be confused with The Cougher)

The Panty Dropper- She is the chick that as soon as she drops her panties, the smell of day old fish and feet permeate the bathroom. As soon as you walk into the stall that she previously used the odor has the ability to render you immobile. Beware.

The next time you’re in the ladies room, take notice of these characters.

You will never, ever enter another public restroom the same way again…

In Her Shoes...

The Shape-Up shoe has to be the ugliest shoe ever invented.

The Shape-Up shoe joins the ranks of Birkenstocks, Platform Flip Flops and Teva Sandals.

EWWW…

If you own any of the above, take them outside and burn them immediately. They are the most unflattering shoe a woman could ever put on her feet.

The Shape-Up shoe claims to firm buttock muscles, tone and firm thigh muscles, tighten abdominal muscles and firms calf muscles. I can think of a million other ways to firm my muscles than subjecting myself to ugly ass shoes.

Take a good look at these shoes…I mean really. Do not compromise your sense of style when trying to get your fitness on by sporting these kicks. There’s a reason Joe Montana endorses them…they’re orthopedic, fit for a dude and no one else would wear ‘em if they weren’t getting paid for it.

And let me talk shit about a few of the other shoes that have made Sandra’s U.S.L. (Ugliest Shoe List):




The Teva Sandals
Oh Lord! Ok, no offense to my lesbian friends. You know I love you and I always tell it like it is, but you guys seem to love these sandals! What is it with gay women and man shoes? Hazel? LeTonya? Can you tell me? Seriously, if I was batting for your team, you would get NO GAME if I saw you sporting these with your cargo shorts. No excuse ladies…gay does not mean style-retarded. Remember… Velcro (especially on shoes) is a no-no.




The Birkenstock
There is only one reason you should have a pair of these in your closet: you were actually AT Woodstock and kept your sandals for the great memories of your unshaved bush, smoking spliffs and having group sex in the mud. Get rid of ‘em if you weren’t part of that movement.







The Platform Flip Flop
Trailer Park. Dirty. Enough said.


I’m not trying to point any fingers or say that because you own any of the aforementioned shoes that you are fashion outcast.

But…

If the shoe fits…..

She Had Dumps Like a Truck...

“She had dumps like a truck, truck, truck

Thighs like what, what, what

All night long….Let me see that thong…”
---Sisqo, Thong Song

I want a dumps like a truck and thighs like what.

I want a “thong-worthy” ass.

First of all, I wasn’t born with a nice firm, booty. Being Asian/Mexican, you think my chances of getting a nice, round full ass were in my favor.

*SIGH*

Unfortunately, God decided to give me the Asian, barely there, booty and the Latina hips and thighs…damnit! I wish we could reverse the two! I’d love to have no hips and thighs with a delicious ba-donk-a-donk.

And these thighs…are you kidding me?

It didn’t help that I started gymnastics at an early age. That just added to the bulk of these stems. And guess what happens when you grow up and stop your gymnastics workout? Yup…those thighs become jell-o. Then the weight fluctuations come and go and that’s when the lovely cellulite decides to set up camp starting from your inner thighs and slowly take over the rest of the outer thigh campsite. But the Cellulite family gets lonely, so they invite over the Stretch Marks. The Stretch Marks are a busy bunch. They love to hang out on the hips and stomach. They love to make long, lovely roads from your stomach to your belly button. They’re a committed family and will be with you ‘til the day you die. Comforting, right?

When guys started to refer to my junk as appealingly “thick” instead of fat, I started to think twice about rejecting my body. If you can’t have what you want, then work with what you got, right?

And so I did that.

I am no ass shaking, video chick by any stretch of the imagination (although that would be an awesome side job to be with rappers making it rain with the benjamins), but I look at these beautiful women (well, most of them are beautiful) with toned, thunder thighs and booties in these videos and I think, “what am I complaining about?” These women capitalize off their curves! I need to start embracing my thickness…

I took charge. My workouts, my cardio…all these have done wonders for my thighs AND my ass. I’m not in perfect shape, but I’m doing my best to mold, and stretch and tone out these problem areas. My thighs don’t even rub together anymore…now that’s an accomplishment in itself! Is my body in the condition I want it to be in?

Nope.

But I’m getting there.

Dumps like a truck? Not yet

Thighs like what? Not yet

Embracing and accepting my thickness….I’m there.

(I’ll let you know when I can crack a walnut with my ass cheeks)

"I Got This Ice Box Where My Heart Used to Be..."

Nothing worse than opening up your fridge door and things toppling all over you with the “old food” odor dancing around your nostrils. I admit..I’m the worst when it comes to throwing crap out. The kitchen trashcan is about 10 steps away but it commands too much of an effort on my part to walk over and throw anything out. Like many household items, I have a love/hate relationship with my refrigerator…so let me share a few of my issues:

FTS “Fridge-to-Trash-to-Sink” Domino Effect
You may of experienced it, but let me set the scenario so that you are witness to the mindset of a madwoman: I open up the fridge. I see a bazillion (ok, 5 or 6) Tupperware containers of leftovers. I think to myself, “Hmm, Sandra, it would probably be a good idea to take those containers out and make more space..” Now, that’s what the level-headed Sandra thinks. But then the tired, working mom, Sandra says, “Shit, that means I’ll have to take all these containers to the trashcan, scrape out all the crap and THEN go back to the sink and wash them out! And it’s not going to be easy because there is food in those containers that I don’t even remember making and now have taken on a different life form..blechhh!” So, I convince myself that the smartest thing to do would be to throw everything out to “protect “everyone from any harmful bacteria. I’m very considerate that way.

Take-Out Graveyard
My fridge doubles as a graveyard for take-out food. Once those Styrofoam boxes, Chinese take-out boxes, paper bags and/or earth friendly containers hit the fridge, it’s lights out…literally. I can hear the food scream as I transport them from my car to my kitchen. They know that their demise is near. I don’t know why I am such a food murderer. I should leave that last bite of cheesecake on the plate, that last helping of Pad Thai, that last fork of feta chicken salad….but do I? Nooooo. I convince myself that I shouldn’t be wasteful and that there are starving children all over the world who would kill for those last three Pad Thai noodles. So I get everything boxed up to make it’s way through the food funeral procession to my fridge. My Take-Out graveyard also signifies how unhealthy I’ve been eating and how much money I’ve been throwing away. It’s just not a good look. Have I gotten better? Hell no. I just keep pushing each container until it hits the back of the refrigerator where it meets it’s untimely death and someone else ends up throwing it out. Forgive me, Father…

Condiment Crazy
I’m crazy about condiments. You name it, I have it. Ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, horseradish, relish, cock sauce (Sriracha), Cholula, Tabasco, wasabi, pickles, pickled ginger, pepperoncinis, soy sauce, fish sauce..just to name a few. And with the exception of the ketchup and mayonnaise, they’re all probably expired. But they look cute in the side door of the fridge and I don’t feel like throwing all those glass bottles out which in turn will make my trash bag heavier causing undue strain on my back when I’m forced to take the full bag out to the main garbage can. Makes sense, right?

Ok, maybe I’m a tad neurotic. I can deal with that…another time.
But for now, I gotta figure out what I’m going to wear to the P.F. Chang’s lettuce wrap memorial…

LAUNDRY LOVE

They say that there are 2 absolutes in life: death and taxes. I think they forgot one more..
LAUNDRY..

When you’re single, all you have to worry about is your dirty crap. If you don’t wash, then there’s no one to blame but yourself. You end up grabbing clothes out of your hamper or off the pile on your floor, smell ‘em, then wear ‘em! Or if you’re like a few guys I know, take your underwear, turn them inside out and you’re good to go. More often than not, single people will walk to their communal laundry room in their apartment complex, quarters in hand and load the washers/dryers and if they’re feeling really brave, leave for the cycle and come back when it’s done. I’ve tried that before. Yeah, I got brave…and when I came back, all my thong underwear was missing. Scary.

Then your single life laundry quickly translates into “couple” mode when you start co-habitating with your significant other. At first, it’s weird. As you witness him attempt to do the laundry, you think to yourself, “Do I really want him touching my stuff? Is he going to throw my delicates in with his jeans? I hope he doesn’t see my “period undies”. What detergent is he using? Why is he folding my stuff like that? That top doesn’t belong in the dryer!”

But it’s not any easier when you’re the one taking on the chore: “Does he not understand what INSIDE the hamper means? Why does he throw all his shit AROUND the hamper? Why does he leave his underwear inside his jeans? Even worse, rolls his jeans off so his underwear is caught up in them?!” And just when you think you have a good system going…

The co-habitation leads to offspring…

This is when you feel like those women in Third World countries that you see on T.V. with 50 baskets of clothes, washing and banging their laundry against a rock by the side of a stream. The clothes multiply with children in the house. Not only do you find dirty clothes in the hamper, the kids throw their clean clothes in because it’s easier than putting them back in their dresser. You’ll also find toys, Barbie shoes, teacher notes, gum (my favorite..esp when it makes to the dryer), hair clips and anything else they can fit into pockets or up their nose. This is the laundry stage when the Sock Ghost appears. No matter how good your kids are at putting everything into the hamper, the Sock Ghost always manages to steal one sock from at least 3 pairs. And do you think he’d swoop down and steal the “unimportant” socks? NOOOOOOO…. He has to take the socks from their favorite pairs. You know the kind I’m talking about…the socks that they love to wear…the socks that will cause hyperventilating tantrums and heart failure if not found. I’ve almost lost a kid to two to the evilness of the Sock Ghost. There really isn’t anything you can do to exorcise the Sock Ghost (believe me, I’ve tried the Holy Water and incense..no dice). So, accept it and move on.. .it’s just easier to keep your sanity.

Along with the Sock Ghost, comes his friend the Laundry Basket from Hell. Everyone has the laundry basket(s) that become makeshift drawers for the entire family and will sit in the same location until someone (usually mom) is forced to unload it to make room for the new clean clothes. The whole family will live out of the Laundry Basket from Hell because they’re too lazy to go through their dressers or closets for clean clothes. Instead, they rummage through all the neatly folded items in the Laundry Basket from Hell to find that pink Hollister t-shirt with the white lettering on it and leave a trail of mass destruction behind.

And what happens after that?

You re-fold, then place their clothes in their bedrooms where they will sit until needed. The clothes won’t get hung (unless mom does it). The clothes won’t get placed in their dresser (unless mom does it). Instead, they will sit on the bed and then slowly become part of the comforter. Your kid won’t acknowledge that nicely folded piece of laundry. Your kid will instead slide up underneath the covers and pretend that it doesn’t exist. This stage is when you also become “bad mom”. When your kids can’t find what they are looking for and they swore they threw it in the hamper, it’s “your fault”. You and the Sock Ghost are in cahoots to make your kid’s life a living hell by hiding that Justin Bieber concert t-shirt. Bad Mom….Bad, bad mom…

At this point, all you can do is grin and bear it.

Life still goes on…the sun will still rise…the sun will still set…and there will always be dirty underwear waiting for you.

I could go on and on..but I got a date with a Sock Ghost...