You Dirty Girl!

Pet Peeve #76
Unsanitary Women

Nothing I hate more than public restrooms.
What’s even worse is walking into a ladies restroom and seeing how filthy women can be.
There are some women out there that have NO SHAME.
I’ve been witness to many things in the powder room and it ain’t pretty! Let me share a few of my favorite bathroom characters:

The Faux Washer- She is the one who comes out of the stall, sets her purse down and looks in the mirror pretends to fuss with her hair for a few minutes in front of the sink, but doesn’t ever wash her hands. She leaves like she’s in a hurry and smells her hands on the way out.

The Bloody Valentine- She is the chick that leaves her bloody tampon floating in the toilet. She doesn’t check to see if it was ever flushed completely down the pipe. She could care less for the next person that sees the aftermath of her bloody outpour. This character trait is not limited to just the teen factor. There are many grown ass women that can’t handle their red tide. Check yourself.

The Gangsta- She is quick to do a drive-by shit. She comes in with the quickness, doesn’t care who’s around and drops the biggest doo-doo ever and leaves.

The Queefer- She is the chick that comes in and lets out vaginal farts as she pees. If you look under the stall, she’s probably wearing some ugly ass Birkenstocks or Velcro, leather sandals. She’ll wait ‘til everyone is out of the restroom to make her exit.

The Pad Thai- The chick that still uses pads and doesn’t care to wrap the used ones up, but rips it from her panties and just throws it half-way into the miniature trashcan. It sticks out half way so that you have a nice visual of her blood clots and shit marks.

The Cougher- She is the one that comes in to take a dump and coughs to mask the splash of her shit hitting the water, or to cover the sound of her wiping her muddy ass.

The Talker- She is the chick that can’t put her phone down while she’s using the restroom. She is the one in the stall that is talking/cussing loud enough for everyone to hear about her baby daddy sleeping with her girl, LaQueefa .

The Sprinkler- This is the one that leaves pee-pee drips all over the toilet seat. You can’t seem to figure out how that happens if one wipes their vagina properly. But then again, we’re talking about dirty women.

The Flusher- The Flusher is the girl who comes in to take a crap and flushes right before it hits the water..and will continually flush to avoid the embarrassment and the smell (NOT to be confused with The Cougher)

The Panty Dropper- She is the chick that as soon as she drops her panties, the smell of day old fish and feet permeate the bathroom. As soon as you walk into the stall that she previously used the odor has the ability to render you immobile. Beware.

The next time you’re in the ladies room, take notice of these characters.

You will never, ever enter another public restroom the same way again…

Attack of the Panty Drawer

When you become a mom, practicality takes precedence over fabulosity. And this is quite evident when it comes to my underwear. I can't bear to throw away my most favorite, my most comfortable, underwear.

I will be the first to admit, I will hold on to a pair of panties for years until the elastic is ripping through and the material is almost transparent. It's sooo hard to let go. So I convince myself to just throw them back in my panty drawer and get rid of them later. From time to time, I will do my best to "clean out" my underwear drawer and this is when I start finding different types of panties and thongs and question why I never wear them...until I try them on:

-too tight

-pinches my gut in half

-rides up my buttcheeks

-squeezes my outter thigh fat

And you think I'd just get rid of 'em right??

Wrong.

I throw them back into my drawer so as not to hurt their panty feelings.

But this does give me a reason to go panty shopping.

Shopping for undergarments takes all day and it's excrutiating; kinda like standing in line at the DMV or getting your wisdom tooth pulled.

First stop: Victoria's Secret.

I ask myself what the hell am I doing in here? I browse around amongst all the 16 year olds shopping for push-up bras and lace thongs. I really don't like the way Victoria's Secret panties feel... I don't care what you call them: V-string, Brazilian cut, Very Sexy..they are all very uncomfortable. The elastic digs into my muffin top and keeps riding up my butt. They're made for women who are about 60lbs with no curves and no ass. Why don't I look like the model in the pic when I wear these panties?

I end up leaving with lipgloss and body spray.

Next stop: Fredericks of Hollywood.

Again, I ask myself what the hell am I doing here? I walk around the store and every picture seems to have a woman posing with one finger between her painted lips and every pair of panties looked like they'd be painful to wear. With names like "Naughty Knickers" and "Hollywood Exxtreme", you'd think I was getting prepped for a porn scene with Ron Jeremy. "Cotton" is a foreign word; leather, lace and crotchless? Then you're speaking their language.

I leave with mints shaped like lips and a pink hair tie.

Final Stop: Macy's.

I decide to forgo the sexy undies and stick to what makes me the happiest~ cute, cotton, bikini Jockey brand panties in the 3-pack. Very unsexy, but practical and oh-so-comfortable-- like me! And they're on sale! Woo-hoo! I'll take two! I merrily skip out of the store with my plastic white bag.

I've come to realize that my panties don't define me. I'm the sexy one, not my underwear. Nothing is sexier than a woman comfortable in her own skin and confident in who she is.

These are the moments that matter.

So bring on the ugly, high-waisted grandma panties..I'll rock those and still be stunning!

(..and then they'll join the rest of the panty posse in the back of my drawer.)

So.. I was cracking up as I came across this particular piece of my work. It was written a few years ago after I watched a TiVo episode with Dr.Phil and Oprah. I could tell I was pretty heated after watching the show!

Enjoy!

The Center of the Universe

 

Last week I caught an episode of Oprah. It was about men who cheat. I thought to myself, ‘What’s else is new?’ The topic has been covered by every Dr.Phil, Maury, and Jerry Springer type show you can think of. But curiosity got the best of me and as my kids played out in the backyard, I sat and watched this particular episode.

The one thing that all these cheating men had in common was that their mistress made them feel “adored”.. made them feel like the center of the universe… gave them all their attention without any distraction… was there for them at every beck and call. A few even cried when telling their tales of deception. The mistresses were people like you and me. They were business women, waitresses, day care providers, Boy Scout den mothers, stay-at-home-moms, executives. They weren’t the beautiful ‘bombshell’ images we all have imbedded in our heads when we think of the ‘other woman’. As I listen to these selfish, men cry with their excuses, my blood begins to boil.

 

Adored? Center of the Universe? Attention starved? No distractions? Is that really why men cheat? Do these men even stop to think about the shoes their wives walk in from day to day? Do these men think about the different roles their wives play? They are mommies, chefs, dry cleaners, carpet cleaners, bankers, veterinarians, doctors, beauticians, teachers, counselors all rolled into one. I honestly don’t think they have an inkling of how tired and overwhelmed we really are. I found the men annoyingly amusing. I felt like grabbing each one of these guys by the balls and saying, “Listen Bucko, you try feeding and bathing the kids, cooking dinner, doing homework, doing the laundry and going to the office for eight hours a day and then be expected to throw on a thong and some lingerie and make me the center of your universe at the end of the day.” For every one of those men to conceptualize this would be a major feat. 

 

 For all you men who read my column, here are a few helpful hints if you want to be ADORED and the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE:

Nothing is sexier than a man who helps around the house without being asked. Nothing is sexier than a man who helps with the laundry. (This doesn’t mean just throwing a load in the wash and watch the Packers play for the next 3 hours) Let me put in laymen’s terms what “Doing the Laundry” means.  Doing the laundry means separating the colors from the whites, transferring wet clothes to the dryer, folding them, placing them in a basket and then putting them away…without her asking. It doesn’t count if you let the clean clothes sit in the basket until the following Sunday. Sexy is cleaning up the kitchen after dinner…without her asking. Sexy is taking care of the kids and giving them their baths and putting them to sleep so your wife can catch her breath…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife sleep in while you tend to the kids who wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife use the restroom in peace while you keep your mommy-addicted-two-year-old busy with a puzzle…without her asking. Sexy is being the first the one to jump up when the two-year-old screams from the bathroom “Come wipe my butt!”…without her asking.

 

And you say you want to be ADORED?? Change a diaper… and don’t wait for your wife to ask (don’t act like you don’t smell the poop and let your toddler walk around until your wife smells it). **Sidenote: Changing ONE diaper doesn’t give you a hall pass to play golf all weekend.** Make the bed. Cook dinner once in awhile. Become interested in your wife’s day when she vents (this means actually turning your head AWAY from the T.V.). Nod and ask questions so she knows you’re paying attention. Avoid making fun of her bikini panties when doing the laundry calling them ‘grandma undies’ (not all women wear the fantasy lace and leather butt floss thongs all you men think we should wear). When your wife is on the phone, pry the screaming child off her poor, thigh. When Fido poops by the doorway, don’t walk past it and pretend you don’t see it so your wife will pick it up. When your wife is watching the Lifetime Channel, don’t sit there and sigh and roll your eyes. (Sometimes we need that escape when watching “A Lover’s Revenge”.) When your child wakes up and cries during the night, get up...don’t pretend you’re dead asleep and wait for your wife to get up. When making a sandwich, put everything away after you’re done—the excuse, “I thought you were going to use it” is getting old. After your shower, pick your wet towel off the floor. A hamper is not a decorative fixture for the bathroom. Clothes go IN the hamper, not on top or around. Replace the toilet paper when the roll is gone. Scrub your skid marks off the inside of the toilet bowl after you drop a messy load. Fill her car with gas. Plan a date with her and do all the work from finding a babysitter to picking the place to eat. 

DO all this and you’ll be ADORED and the CENTER OF HER UNIVERSE.

 

It’s not rocket science. There is no room for excuses. Cheating is unacceptable. Cheating is a selfish act. Stay plugged in and stay hooked up in your marriage. You need to be either 100 percent there or 100% gone. A good husband will contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family.

 

Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It’s a 100/100 partnership.

 

You get what you give.