LAUNDRY LOVE

They say that there are 2 absolutes in life: death and taxes. I think they forgot one more..
LAUNDRY..

When you’re single, all you have to worry about is your dirty crap. If you don’t wash, then there’s no one to blame but yourself. You end up grabbing clothes out of your hamper or off the pile on your floor, smell ‘em, then wear ‘em! Or if you’re like a few guys I know, take your underwear, turn them inside out and you’re good to go. More often than not, single people will walk to their communal laundry room in their apartment complex, quarters in hand and load the washers/dryers and if they’re feeling really brave, leave for the cycle and come back when it’s done. I’ve tried that before. Yeah, I got brave…and when I came back, all my thong underwear was missing. Scary.

Then your single life laundry quickly translates into “couple” mode when you start co-habitating with your significant other. At first, it’s weird. As you witness him attempt to do the laundry, you think to yourself, “Do I really want him touching my stuff? Is he going to throw my delicates in with his jeans? I hope he doesn’t see my “period undies”. What detergent is he using? Why is he folding my stuff like that? That top doesn’t belong in the dryer!”

But it’s not any easier when you’re the one taking on the chore: “Does he not understand what INSIDE the hamper means? Why does he throw all his shit AROUND the hamper? Why does he leave his underwear inside his jeans? Even worse, rolls his jeans off so his underwear is caught up in them?!” And just when you think you have a good system going…

The co-habitation leads to offspring…

This is when you feel like those women in Third World countries that you see on T.V. with 50 baskets of clothes, washing and banging their laundry against a rock by the side of a stream. The clothes multiply with children in the house. Not only do you find dirty clothes in the hamper, the kids throw their clean clothes in because it’s easier than putting them back in their dresser. You’ll also find toys, Barbie shoes, teacher notes, gum (my favorite..esp when it makes to the dryer), hair clips and anything else they can fit into pockets or up their nose. This is the laundry stage when the Sock Ghost appears. No matter how good your kids are at putting everything into the hamper, the Sock Ghost always manages to steal one sock from at least 3 pairs. And do you think he’d swoop down and steal the “unimportant” socks? NOOOOOOO…. He has to take the socks from their favorite pairs. You know the kind I’m talking about…the socks that they love to wear…the socks that will cause hyperventilating tantrums and heart failure if not found. I’ve almost lost a kid to two to the evilness of the Sock Ghost. There really isn’t anything you can do to exorcise the Sock Ghost (believe me, I’ve tried the Holy Water and incense..no dice). So, accept it and move on.. .it’s just easier to keep your sanity.

Along with the Sock Ghost, comes his friend the Laundry Basket from Hell. Everyone has the laundry basket(s) that become makeshift drawers for the entire family and will sit in the same location until someone (usually mom) is forced to unload it to make room for the new clean clothes. The whole family will live out of the Laundry Basket from Hell because they’re too lazy to go through their dressers or closets for clean clothes. Instead, they rummage through all the neatly folded items in the Laundry Basket from Hell to find that pink Hollister t-shirt with the white lettering on it and leave a trail of mass destruction behind.

And what happens after that?

You re-fold, then place their clothes in their bedrooms where they will sit until needed. The clothes won’t get hung (unless mom does it). The clothes won’t get placed in their dresser (unless mom does it). Instead, they will sit on the bed and then slowly become part of the comforter. Your kid won’t acknowledge that nicely folded piece of laundry. Your kid will instead slide up underneath the covers and pretend that it doesn’t exist. This stage is when you also become “bad mom”. When your kids can’t find what they are looking for and they swore they threw it in the hamper, it’s “your fault”. You and the Sock Ghost are in cahoots to make your kid’s life a living hell by hiding that Justin Bieber concert t-shirt. Bad Mom….Bad, bad mom…

At this point, all you can do is grin and bear it.

Life still goes on…the sun will still rise…the sun will still set…and there will always be dirty underwear waiting for you.

I could go on and on..but I got a date with a Sock Ghost...

So.. I was cracking up as I came across this particular piece of my work. It was written a few years ago after I watched a TiVo episode with Dr.Phil and Oprah. I could tell I was pretty heated after watching the show!

Enjoy!

The Center of the Universe

 

Last week I caught an episode of Oprah. It was about men who cheat. I thought to myself, ‘What’s else is new?’ The topic has been covered by every Dr.Phil, Maury, and Jerry Springer type show you can think of. But curiosity got the best of me and as my kids played out in the backyard, I sat and watched this particular episode.

The one thing that all these cheating men had in common was that their mistress made them feel “adored”.. made them feel like the center of the universe… gave them all their attention without any distraction… was there for them at every beck and call. A few even cried when telling their tales of deception. The mistresses were people like you and me. They were business women, waitresses, day care providers, Boy Scout den mothers, stay-at-home-moms, executives. They weren’t the beautiful ‘bombshell’ images we all have imbedded in our heads when we think of the ‘other woman’. As I listen to these selfish, men cry with their excuses, my blood begins to boil.

 

Adored? Center of the Universe? Attention starved? No distractions? Is that really why men cheat? Do these men even stop to think about the shoes their wives walk in from day to day? Do these men think about the different roles their wives play? They are mommies, chefs, dry cleaners, carpet cleaners, bankers, veterinarians, doctors, beauticians, teachers, counselors all rolled into one. I honestly don’t think they have an inkling of how tired and overwhelmed we really are. I found the men annoyingly amusing. I felt like grabbing each one of these guys by the balls and saying, “Listen Bucko, you try feeding and bathing the kids, cooking dinner, doing homework, doing the laundry and going to the office for eight hours a day and then be expected to throw on a thong and some lingerie and make me the center of your universe at the end of the day.” For every one of those men to conceptualize this would be a major feat. 

 

 For all you men who read my column, here are a few helpful hints if you want to be ADORED and the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE:

Nothing is sexier than a man who helps around the house without being asked. Nothing is sexier than a man who helps with the laundry. (This doesn’t mean just throwing a load in the wash and watch the Packers play for the next 3 hours) Let me put in laymen’s terms what “Doing the Laundry” means.  Doing the laundry means separating the colors from the whites, transferring wet clothes to the dryer, folding them, placing them in a basket and then putting them away…without her asking. It doesn’t count if you let the clean clothes sit in the basket until the following Sunday. Sexy is cleaning up the kitchen after dinner…without her asking. Sexy is taking care of the kids and giving them their baths and putting them to sleep so your wife can catch her breath…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife sleep in while you tend to the kids who wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife use the restroom in peace while you keep your mommy-addicted-two-year-old busy with a puzzle…without her asking. Sexy is being the first the one to jump up when the two-year-old screams from the bathroom “Come wipe my butt!”…without her asking.

 

And you say you want to be ADORED?? Change a diaper… and don’t wait for your wife to ask (don’t act like you don’t smell the poop and let your toddler walk around until your wife smells it). **Sidenote: Changing ONE diaper doesn’t give you a hall pass to play golf all weekend.** Make the bed. Cook dinner once in awhile. Become interested in your wife’s day when she vents (this means actually turning your head AWAY from the T.V.). Nod and ask questions so she knows you’re paying attention. Avoid making fun of her bikini panties when doing the laundry calling them ‘grandma undies’ (not all women wear the fantasy lace and leather butt floss thongs all you men think we should wear). When your wife is on the phone, pry the screaming child off her poor, thigh. When Fido poops by the doorway, don’t walk past it and pretend you don’t see it so your wife will pick it up. When your wife is watching the Lifetime Channel, don’t sit there and sigh and roll your eyes. (Sometimes we need that escape when watching “A Lover’s Revenge”.) When your child wakes up and cries during the night, get up...don’t pretend you’re dead asleep and wait for your wife to get up. When making a sandwich, put everything away after you’re done—the excuse, “I thought you were going to use it” is getting old. After your shower, pick your wet towel off the floor. A hamper is not a decorative fixture for the bathroom. Clothes go IN the hamper, not on top or around. Replace the toilet paper when the roll is gone. Scrub your skid marks off the inside of the toilet bowl after you drop a messy load. Fill her car with gas. Plan a date with her and do all the work from finding a babysitter to picking the place to eat. 

DO all this and you’ll be ADORED and the CENTER OF HER UNIVERSE.

 

It’s not rocket science. There is no room for excuses. Cheating is unacceptable. Cheating is a selfish act. Stay plugged in and stay hooked up in your marriage. You need to be either 100 percent there or 100% gone. A good husband will contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family.

 

Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It’s a 100/100 partnership.

 

You get what you give.