Redlight Men

Call me self- conscious.

Maybe a tad neurotic at times.

But if there is one thing that bothers me most, it's the men you come across at red lights.
You know what I'm talking about. You're driving, minding your own business and you come to a red light. And out the corner of your eye, you see another car pull up next to you. You continue to keep looking straight to avoid any eye contact with the car next to you..but then you do it. You sneak a peek and the dude is staring straight at you. You turn around quickly to play it off by either grabbing your cell phone to check messages or focus on your radio trying to act like your fumbling with the stations.

You can feel him undressing you with his eyes.

You slowly look down to make sure you're covered up. The last thing you need is any kind of extra boobage hangin' out of your bra.

The red light seems to be taking an eternity to turn green. As soon as the light switches you press on the gas and the car next to you manages to keep up with you so that the perv inside can keep staring.

There are a variety of men that you meet at a red light. And they run the gammet from professionals to scum bags. Let's take a look at a few that we're all familiar with:

The Landscapers
The landscapers will usually roll up 10 deep~ 5 smooshed together in the front cab of the truck and the rest hanging out the bed. At first they stare, and if that isn't enough to make you turn around, the whistles, kissing noises and "mamacita" cat calls usually do the trick. They like to pull up and get in front of you once the light turns green so that the rest of their crew in the bed of the truck can stare straight at you as you drive behind them. 

License Plate: LUVSBUSH

The Dad
The Dad will pull up alongside you in his old Astro van or Hyundai circa 1988. The windshield has a crack in it with dirty sippy cups on the dashboard and the side windows are marked with handprints. He'll usually have a couple car seats in the back (with the kids actually in them if you're lucky) with a swing set latched on top of the car. The dad will typically have a "laid back" type of pose as he sits at the steering wheel and tries to grab your attention. He'll smile and nod like "Yeah, baby..I know you want a piece of this..." When the light turns green he pushes down on the gas so that he stays up with you side by side to increase the burning desire within you to join him in his sin wagon.

License Plate: 4SKIN

The Boys
The Boys that you'll encounter at the red light usually fall in the 16-20 year old demographic. If they aren't driving mom or dad's car with their friends, they 're in a late model car with rims and a booming system so loud, it'll make your ears bleed. When The Boys try and get your attention, it's always just to show off in front of their homies. They'll try and spit game using lines like "Wassup' baby? What's your name? You gotta man?" And when you continue to ignore them, they'll flip you off and call you a stuck-up whore as the light turns green and they take off. License Plate: BONGHITZ

Mr.Corporate
Mr.Corporate will pull up to the red light with anything red and European (BMW, Audi, Mercedes). It's always an added bonus when it's 120 degrees in the Arizona heat and he has his convertible top down so that you can notice his spray-on tan as he talks loudly on his phone and tinkers with his Blackberry and two-tone Rolex. He does eveything he can to nonchalantly capture your attention. He wants you to want him. He runs his fingers through his hair as he screeches off at green light.

License Plate: GR8-LAY

The Perv
The Perv is a passive agressive perv as he drives up to the red light. If he's not driving a pick-up, he's in an older Yugo with the metal "naked women" silhouttes hanging from his mudflaps and a huge sticker on his back window that reads "Official Bikini Inspector" with the Peeing Calvin sticker in the far corner. The Perv, overweight- wearing his mesh half shirt, will look over at you and raise his eyebrows and pucker his lips. He'll keep his eyes fixated on you as he turns his 2 Live Crew "Me So Horny" cd up loud enough for everyone in passing cars to hear. He'll throw up the "V" sign with his fingers and wave his tongue through it. As the light turns green, he makes the cheeseball "double gun" motion towards you as he drives off. 

License plate: BVR PLZR

Notice that these are usually the type of men that you'll encounter at the red light who need attention. It will never be a Brad Pitt or George Clooney look-a-like tht pulls up alongside you to whisk you away.

But don't let that steal your joy.

Keep looking forward and proceed with caution. 

There will always be red lights and mystery men.

Be flattered and thank God that you still attract that type of attention....BVR PLZR or not.

So.. I was cracking up as I came across this particular piece of my work. It was written a few years ago after I watched a TiVo episode with Dr.Phil and Oprah. I could tell I was pretty heated after watching the show!

Enjoy!

The Center of the Universe

 

Last week I caught an episode of Oprah. It was about men who cheat. I thought to myself, ‘What’s else is new?’ The topic has been covered by every Dr.Phil, Maury, and Jerry Springer type show you can think of. But curiosity got the best of me and as my kids played out in the backyard, I sat and watched this particular episode.

The one thing that all these cheating men had in common was that their mistress made them feel “adored”.. made them feel like the center of the universe… gave them all their attention without any distraction… was there for them at every beck and call. A few even cried when telling their tales of deception. The mistresses were people like you and me. They were business women, waitresses, day care providers, Boy Scout den mothers, stay-at-home-moms, executives. They weren’t the beautiful ‘bombshell’ images we all have imbedded in our heads when we think of the ‘other woman’. As I listen to these selfish, men cry with their excuses, my blood begins to boil.

 

Adored? Center of the Universe? Attention starved? No distractions? Is that really why men cheat? Do these men even stop to think about the shoes their wives walk in from day to day? Do these men think about the different roles their wives play? They are mommies, chefs, dry cleaners, carpet cleaners, bankers, veterinarians, doctors, beauticians, teachers, counselors all rolled into one. I honestly don’t think they have an inkling of how tired and overwhelmed we really are. I found the men annoyingly amusing. I felt like grabbing each one of these guys by the balls and saying, “Listen Bucko, you try feeding and bathing the kids, cooking dinner, doing homework, doing the laundry and going to the office for eight hours a day and then be expected to throw on a thong and some lingerie and make me the center of your universe at the end of the day.” For every one of those men to conceptualize this would be a major feat. 

 

 For all you men who read my column, here are a few helpful hints if you want to be ADORED and the CENTER OF THE UNIVERSE:

Nothing is sexier than a man who helps around the house without being asked. Nothing is sexier than a man who helps with the laundry. (This doesn’t mean just throwing a load in the wash and watch the Packers play for the next 3 hours) Let me put in laymen’s terms what “Doing the Laundry” means.  Doing the laundry means separating the colors from the whites, transferring wet clothes to the dryer, folding them, placing them in a basket and then putting them away…without her asking. It doesn’t count if you let the clean clothes sit in the basket until the following Sunday. Sexy is cleaning up the kitchen after dinner…without her asking. Sexy is taking care of the kids and giving them their baths and putting them to sleep so your wife can catch her breath…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife sleep in while you tend to the kids who wake up at the crack of dawn on Saturday…without her asking. Sexy is letting your wife use the restroom in peace while you keep your mommy-addicted-two-year-old busy with a puzzle…without her asking. Sexy is being the first the one to jump up when the two-year-old screams from the bathroom “Come wipe my butt!”…without her asking.

 

And you say you want to be ADORED?? Change a diaper… and don’t wait for your wife to ask (don’t act like you don’t smell the poop and let your toddler walk around until your wife smells it). **Sidenote: Changing ONE diaper doesn’t give you a hall pass to play golf all weekend.** Make the bed. Cook dinner once in awhile. Become interested in your wife’s day when she vents (this means actually turning your head AWAY from the T.V.). Nod and ask questions so she knows you’re paying attention. Avoid making fun of her bikini panties when doing the laundry calling them ‘grandma undies’ (not all women wear the fantasy lace and leather butt floss thongs all you men think we should wear). When your wife is on the phone, pry the screaming child off her poor, thigh. When Fido poops by the doorway, don’t walk past it and pretend you don’t see it so your wife will pick it up. When your wife is watching the Lifetime Channel, don’t sit there and sigh and roll your eyes. (Sometimes we need that escape when watching “A Lover’s Revenge”.) When your child wakes up and cries during the night, get up...don’t pretend you’re dead asleep and wait for your wife to get up. When making a sandwich, put everything away after you’re done—the excuse, “I thought you were going to use it” is getting old. After your shower, pick your wet towel off the floor. A hamper is not a decorative fixture for the bathroom. Clothes go IN the hamper, not on top or around. Replace the toilet paper when the roll is gone. Scrub your skid marks off the inside of the toilet bowl after you drop a messy load. Fill her car with gas. Plan a date with her and do all the work from finding a babysitter to picking the place to eat. 

DO all this and you’ll be ADORED and the CENTER OF HER UNIVERSE.

 

It’s not rocket science. There is no room for excuses. Cheating is unacceptable. Cheating is a selfish act. Stay plugged in and stay hooked up in your marriage. You need to be either 100 percent there or 100% gone. A good husband will contribute to the emotional, spiritual, physical and mental well-being of his family.

 

Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It’s a 100/100 partnership.

 

You get what you give.